For over a week now, I have been going back to old things.
First, I talked to a friend about the death of another and writing about it on my other blog. I spent time thinking about that friend and the things that happened when I was young.
Then I bought the music of the band that we used to listen to and reflecting on that time. It felt like the things that I had worked through and put into my memory hall just spilled out into now.
I wasn't angry over this since I think that our friend needed to hear what I had to say to heal and I had to just spend time with this old friend after all, I am comfortable with the past, but I think this friend hasn't been and I feel guilty for not talking to her about this from the beginning.
Next, I restarted my old routines and started working on getting my life back to where it should be. This is a good thing because I will have to go back to work sooner or later.
Then, I went to my poetry blog and re-read my old poems, remembering things that happened in the last fifteen years after that time. I don't know why I did that, it just felt natural.
I am not sure why I am going back to the past now since I like moving forward, but it felt good to spend time with the ones who have gone before me.
I think that a new era is coming with this friend that I haven't seen in thirty years. I don't mind it really, but I do hope that we can find a new way to be friends without the one who died. Don't get me wrong, I love this woman very much, but I don't want to wallow in the past if we hang out together in the future.
It's been a weird week of change and going backward too, I am not sure that I will go backwards again because I know that I love living now and I know that my heart isn't back there where there was a lot of pain and anger. I like living happy now.
I think that this is the reason why I am having trouble getting to sleep this week. I hate that I can lay down, thinking that I will sleep then my mind keeps racing to the point that sleep seems impossible. One night, I lay down around 10 p.m. and didn't get to sleep until 3 a.m. It was annoying since I did take melatonin to fall asleep. One night, I woke up in the middle of the night and it took more than an hour to get back to sleep.
It's harder because I am trying to establish a sleep pattern so that I won't have problems when I do go back to work. I want to slip into the routine when the time comes.
I have been working on relieving my boredom by getting outside more and doing more housework this week, I am hoping that by doing this it will help me get into the habit of doing it. I am like a lot of people, I really hate housework, and I do very little of it, but that needs to change.
Doing my old facial regime has been fun though...I can feel and see a difference in my skin. I love it! I miss the days when I did it twice a day and I felt powerful. I am starting to get that feeling back and it's a great thing.
I need to start eating three meals a day instead of just one and a snack cake or chips all day. I started taking vitamins again, so I should at least start eating too. My weight is higher than it has ever been, but I am not upset about it since I do feel good.
It's been over a year since my bladder surgery so my body has healed from that, and it's been nine months since my last round of chemotherapy so I am feeling good, I just need to keep my energy levels up and start doing more in the way of exercise.
I think that I need to move past this thing where I have been going backwards into a pas that really doesn't help me feel good about myself. Right now, I am saturating myself with KPop and trying to bring myself back to myself.
I am also working through my feelings about my spirituality. I am not very comfortable with the path that I am on and I want to go back to where I was with religion, but Christianity isn't very satisfying to me like Wicca was. I feel like I want to walk the Goddess path more than follow Christianity.
These feelings on religion are probably part of why I am a little irritated about the walk I have been taking down memory lane and why I am not doing the things that I should for Christianity. It's probably part of why I can't sleep at night.
This may also explain why I keep buying things related to Wicca. The calling might be getting louder instead of weaker.
I will think about this a little longer, and may celebrate Midsummer just to see if this is what is happening to me.
I should start reading and doing more writing too, I want to be myself again, but lately, I don't feel like I am trying to and that bothers me too.
-Raven
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