Old Things, Renewing Old Routines and Religion Issues

For over a week now, I have been going back to old things.

First, I talked to a friend about the death of another and writing about it on my other blog.  I spent time thinking about that friend and the things that happened when I was young.

Then I bought the music of the band that we used to listen to and reflecting on that time.  It felt like the things that I had worked through and put into my memory hall just spilled out into now.  

I wasn't angry over this since I think that our friend needed to hear what I had to say to heal and I had to just spend time with this old friend after all, I am comfortable with the past, but I think this friend hasn't been and I feel guilty for not talking to her about this from the beginning.

Next, I restarted my old routines and started working on getting my life back to where it should be.  This is a good thing because I will have to go back to work sooner or later.

Then, I went to my poetry blog and re-read my old poems, remembering things that happened in the last fifteen years after that time.  I don't know why I did that, it just felt natural.

I am not sure why I am going back to the past now since I like moving forward, but it felt good to spend time with the ones who have gone before me.

I think that a new era is coming with this friend that I haven't seen in thirty years.  I don't mind it really, but I do hope that we can find a new way to be friends without the one who died. Don't get me wrong, I love this woman very much, but I don't want to wallow in the past if we hang out together in the future.

It's been a weird week of change and going backward too, I am not sure that I will go backwards again because I know that I love living now and I know that my heart isn't back there where there was a lot of pain and anger.  I like living happy now.

I think that this is the reason why I am having trouble getting to sleep this week.  I hate that I can lay down, thinking that I will sleep then my mind keeps racing to the point that sleep seems impossible.  One night, I lay down around 10 p.m. and didn't get to sleep until 3 a.m.  It was annoying since I did take melatonin to fall asleep.  One night, I woke up in the middle of the night and it took more than an hour to get back to sleep.

It's harder because I am trying to establish a sleep pattern so that I won't have problems when I do go back to work.  I want to slip into the routine when the time comes.  

I have been working on relieving my boredom by getting outside more and doing more housework this week, I am hoping that by doing this it will help me get into the habit of doing it.  I am like a lot of people, I really hate housework, and I do very little of it, but that needs to change.

Doing my old facial regime has been fun though...I can feel and see a difference in my skin. I love it!  I miss the days when I did it twice a day and I felt powerful.  I am starting to get that feeling back and it's a great thing.

I need to start eating three meals a day instead of just one and a snack cake or chips all day.  I started taking vitamins again, so I should at least start eating too.  My weight is higher than it has ever been, but I am not upset about it since I do feel good.

It's been over a year since my bladder surgery so my body has healed from that, and it's been nine months since my last round of chemotherapy so I am feeling good, I just need to keep my energy levels up and start doing more in the way of exercise.

I think that I need to move past this thing where I have been going backwards into a pas that really doesn't help me feel good about myself.  Right now, I am saturating myself with KPop and trying to bring myself back to myself.

I am also working through my feelings about my spirituality.  I am not very comfortable with the path that I am on and I want to go back to where I was with religion, but Christianity isn't very satisfying to me like Wicca was.  I feel like I want to walk the Goddess path more than follow Christianity.

These feelings on religion are probably part of why I am a little irritated about the walk I have been taking down memory lane and why I am not doing the things that I should for Christianity.  It's probably part of why I can't sleep at night.

This may also explain why I keep buying things related to Wicca.  The calling might be getting louder instead of weaker.  

I will think about this a little longer, and may celebrate Midsummer just to see if this is what is happening to me.

I should start reading and doing more writing too, I want to be myself again, but lately, I don't feel like I am trying to and that bothers me too.

-Raven 

I Am So Lazy

I have been a bit quiet lately because I don't have any energy and I am really bored. Nothing ever happens when you are not working due to medical reasons.

It's been a year since my bladder was removed and everything is going well so far.  

Since I haven't been at work, days just jumble together for me and I forget what day it is.  Most days, I just sit in front of the tv watching a lot of nonsense and waiting for the sun to go down so that I can get to tomorrow.  

I haven't finished reading Diana Gabaldon's latest release, and it came out at the end of November.  I would usually have it read in a month or so.  I am a very bad Gabaldon fan.

I feel like I can't get the energy I need to be myself anymore.  I know that some of this may be slight depression, but that confuses me since I don't have anything to be depressed about.

I rarely watch the news or try to see what depressing things happen so that isn't why I am like this.

It may be a general sense of boredom with myself these days.

I can give myself the pep talk and try to give myself a sense of gusto, but that requires the energy that I am not feeling these days.

I wonder if my problems stem from inactivity and not eating more than one meal a day. 

I have this strong feeling of nostalgia recently.  For some reason, I want to go back to the way things were when I lived at home.  I want to spend more time with my family and have holidays again.

This year has been very odd for holidays in my family.  First with Dad and my stepmom getting sick, and my mother forgetting holidays, it's getting hard to get into the spirit of things anymore.

I don't even want to go out for a walk or sit in the park anymore, and that is very strange for me since I have to walk everywhere and I love the park.

I need to exercise so that I can go back to work and not get tired before I can get an actual break, but I don't want to go out and do it.

Even housework, a chore I hate but do anyway, is getting put off and the messes are getting out of control.

I will eventually figure this out, but it is driving me crazy.