Getting Ready To Begin

I received my copies of Stephen R. Covey's books today.  

I have so far, just looked at the basics on how to use the books and will begin reading The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by this weekend.

I am looking forward to doing this and finally having more tools to help me on my journey through life.  We all need a little help on our way, and to me, it is in HOW and WHERE we find the help we need.

I will be adding my reading list to this blog very soon, and in the order I am reading the books.  It will help me document my where my trail has been and where it is leading me.

The workbook for The 7 Habits says to read the first 62 pages before reading it, so that is where I shall start on this path.

Still no leads on a job, but with the holidays, I will just have to hold out and hope for the best in the weeks after the New Year...think positive and move forward.

Mercifully I have LinkedIn to help me out!

The Year Of Growth Coming Up

Today, I purchased The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephan R. Covey.  

It will be here by tomorrow thanks to the wonderful people of Amazon.com.  

I bought the book along with another of Mr. Covey's books because I wanted to see how this man could help me improve myself.

Yes, I admit that I will need help in fixing things in my life that aren't right.  I won't deny this since doing things by myself has not worked because I have sabotaged myself ever step of the way.

When I bought the book, I started thinking about other things in my life and how they can be improved as well, and I thought about this blog and it's usefulness.  

What can be gained from this blog if I don't use it for the good of myself and others along the way?  What does this blog do?

The answers so far are simple...I post about depressing things OR I talk about books I have read, and to be honest, how much does that help others when there are book review blogs that do a great job on their own?  Look at my sidebar link and you can find those amazing blogs for yourself.

No, what this blog needs to do is not only help me document my journey in life, but to help me improve myself along the way.  It needs to be something of worth to read for others out there who want to see what happens in this journey I am taking.

So, what do I propose to do about this?  

I propose to actually read Mr. Covey's book, and follow its examples, and hopefully find other books to enrich my life and follow their examples and document them here.

Why not?  After all, why keep what I learn to myself?  Why not share my journey with the world?

I will blog about my journey and where it takes me over the course of the next year.  

Though, I think I will be spending the rest of this week doing some house cleaning and some mental changes in myself so that I prepare myself.

I will read the first chapters of Mr. Covey's book and blog about them when I read the book.

I am looking forward to this, I cannot wait to see what this does for me personally.  I need to fix things for myself.

I also have a few other books that I will read that are already in my bookshelf.  I will read them all one at a time and use them for my own personal benefit.

I think I will call 2013 my year of Personal Growth and Enrichment.  It will be about many aspects of myself that need work and growth, but I am going to try this.  

I will make an attempt to blog as often as possible because that is part of this journey.

There are more ideas for myself forming in my head now, and I will get to them as soon as I can and then I will explore them and see what kinds of fruit they produce!

Idina Menzel Gives Me Strength and Purpose

When I saw Wicked, I feel in love with Idina Menzel, her voice and talent blew me away...so when I came across these videos and songs, they instantly became part of my heart, and gave me purpose and strength.

Thank you Idina!  

I Stand

A Look At Mental Change

I have been thinking about the post I did on depression and I am thinking that in order to take care of this particular situation, I am going to have to take the bull by the horns.

I have pinpointed the areas that need my attention.  Confidence and Depression causing the laziness factor.

I am going to look into things that will help me change these bad habits in my life.

I want to overcome this in the best way that I can.

So I am resolved today to start the process of changing myself and becoming the person I know myself to be.  

This will not be an over night situation but one that will take a while to accomplish and patience is going to be my thought through it all.

For the job situation, I have added myself to LinkedIn, a site dedicated to helping and promoting people in their goals to have a good job or even a career.  I am looking forward to seeing how this site can give me the tools I need to succeed.

I am also going to look into many different aspects of myself and my life in the next few weeks as I continue the search for a job.  

I think this is also the time to finish many things that I have already started or work on things that should have been done all along to fix myself.

I will get there, but it will take a while...and I am ready once again to at least give MYSELF a chance to change for the better...and to make myself happy!

Physical Change

Today I took a general look at my own appearance and realized that I do not want to look like I do anymore.

Let me explain...

You see, for the past 5 years, I have let myself go physically.

My haircut looks nasty and the color washed out. 

My skin looks like I have spent way to much time in the sun and I look OLD.  I am 42 years old and about to become 42, I don't want to LOOK like I am old.  I don't mind being 43, as long as I don't look like it.

My hands and nails look like someone added a layer of sandpaper to them.  Disgusting to me.  The psoriasis is really harsh on me...even in my ears.

I wear my clothes like a garbage bags.  I don't seem to care about myself anymore.

Well, looking in the mirror today, I decided it was time to change that along with the other things about myself I don't like.

I darkened my hair and it looks great and I am going to start a personal regime every morning to try to put myself BACK where I belong.  I even bought a new hair  piece to play with that gives me more options.

My entire skin care line has been sitting in my bathroom feeling neglected because all I do is brush my teeth and hair and go.

No more!  If I want to SHOW that I care about me, I need to also take the outside into account.  It is time to stop hating my own looks.  

No more bags under my eyes, no more wearing whatever just because it is there, but actually taking care of myself.

I don't have to wear makeup, but maybe every once in a while...when I go out, do it.

It is time to start caring about what I look like as well as caring about what is on the inside. 

Why Laziness?

There's a point in my life where I need to stop and figure out why I keep loosing jobs,  living paycheck to paycheck and living in a chaotic environment and following the same patterns of personal destruction.

Prime example...I bought an organizer for my life in August. The goal of this organizer was to actually get myself on some sort of schedule of life that would make things easier.  I used it until November then....Nothing, nada.

Once I lost my job, it seemed easier to just set the thing aside and not continue using it.

Why did I buy it in the first place? Simple, I wanted to set goals, accomplish them and keep record of WHAT I needed to do to accomplish things in my life.

I wrote in this very blog about how I wanted to accomplish things in my life, from personal to financial to writing.  I have not accomplished anything I set out to do.

Another example was getting up and actually cleaning my house from front to back, except the bedroom...it is now dirty again.  I have let things go again and am not giving myself the opportunity to keep things organized and in good shape.

I stopped getting up at 7 am and sleep until 10 am or 11, wasting the best part of the day to get things done!  I could be up early, dressed and OUT there looking when there isn't anything online to apply for, but I am not doing it.  The question is WHY?

I spend most of my days in pajamas or on the couch not caring about much of anything.  I don't even go grocery shopping much anymore, it is pathetic!  

The question raised at this point is this...what is holding me back? Why am I never motivated to do anything that could make a difference?

I see people out there every day who DO these things, my Fey Queen, for example, is constantly on the move writing, working and doing things I only dream of doing for myself...no, not in the same way she does, but in my own way.  She is complete in herself.

Sharon Lathan is another person who is doing the things I only wish I could do.  She is out there, she is not only writing, but she is making friends and connecting with the real world and sharing hers.  She set goals for herself and she accomplished them.

There is a young man who is now considered an internet star who USES what he has done to gain not fame but a living and to advocate his own rights in the world.  He is very intelligent. I will not give his name because I do not think it is important, but the important thing is that he is DOING and not just sitting back, being lazy.

But this isn't about them, it is about me and what is going on in myself that has me lazy, and fearful of moving forward and making something of myself.  I can't blame anyone but myself because there is no one to blame.

That organizer stays empty because I don't take the time to set new goals and accomplish them.  I don't get off the couch, put on some clothes and go out there and find what it is that will make my life better, or financially sound.

I don't feel like I love myself enough anymore!  I have tried to get that back in bits and pieces, but it just fails in my ability to be lazy.  That is the bottom line!

In my way, I am a beautiful woman...I can write poetry, I have a fantastic story that needs to be written (and yes, I know this and I know it is original!), I know what I want.  

I need to examine this closer.  Laziness is an enemy but it is also my constant companion.  When I get the gumption to get up and do something, I procrastinate or I wait until I am forced to do it...

Then again, there are things that I am forced to do that I do not really want to, my heart isn't in it.  Why?  Possibly because someone WANTS me to do them because it fits their molds of what is expected, and I don't want to do what is expected.  

Maybe the laziness comes from fear.  I never thought I was good enough, or someone scoffed at what I did want to do, making me fearful of actually doing the things I love.

I lived a lot of my life in fear of censure, afraid of what people I love would scoff at or turn their noses up at.  I am sorry, this is true.  People around me looking at me like I am stupid or crazy isn't something that I ever wanted in my life, so I hid things.

Writing is a prime example.  Everyone loves to read, yes it is a hard industry to get into and keep in, many make money and many don't...but the environment I live in will look at the negative and tell me to keep my feet on the ground, that this isn't a good life for me because I won't make money or I may not be good enough.  

So, maybe my laziness is actually a manifestation of fear and the insecurities where writing is concerned...but that leaves the rest of myself....

The physical chaos around me makes me depressed and unhappy.  I do nothing about it.  The answer to that MAY in fact be simple laziness, but what about the rest?  

Is it because in loosing my last job because someone is selfish and stupid and the reasons were so OFF and wrong that I have lost more confidence in myself?  Possibly.

I know I was loosing confidence in myself in the last three years.  Every time I thought I was doing something for the betterment of myself, I failed or someone or something constantly got in the way.  

I know I didn't have any attitude issues at my last job, but I was constantly being put down for my job performance...a job that I confidently did for 16 years!  

And that, may be WHY I am still repairing the damage done by the last company I worked with.  A company that allowed management to damage the confidence of the people who worked for them.

So, what have I learned today?

I am lazy, but the laziness comes from several sources.  Fear, busted confidence and maybe there was depression, but the depression lifted as I was let go of my last job.

What am I going to do about this?

I am going to work on this, slowly but surely.  It is time to break out of my fears of what others think of me and the things I WANT to do with my life, and realize that I am a good person, I am NOT a punching bag for those who do not have a high opinion of themselves.  

It is time I started remembering who I am and what I want of this life.