Last Gift From Ben Breedlove-Think About This A while.

Ben Breedlove was a sick young man with a heart condition, he experienced three instances where he died and was brought back to life.  The heart disease that he had was something that prevented him from living a normal life as a kid and later a teenager, he wanted to be like normal kids, but that wasn't to be the path God chose for Ben.  He gained a following on Youtube that was so huge that in the end, you can see that he touched the lives of many young people of his own generation...he also touched me after his death on Christmas Day of a heart attack.


He left two videos behind, telling of his afterlife experiences and what he can remember of the first one he had at age 4 and on to the last one before the making of the video on 6 December 2011. He tells of how the mind continues on even when the body is techically dead...the last time he had been gone for about 3 minutes.


I can only imagine the fear on the faces of the other students around him in the high school on the day of the last heart attack when he was in school...maybe this is the true meaning behind Ben's video...to reassure them all that they shouldn't worry or be afraid.


His remaining gift to the world was not the explanation of WHAT happens, but something else entirely. 


In the 7 minute video, he does speak of  his after life experiences, yes...but at the end of the video, there is MORE than anybody would expect....LOOK carefully at Ben's face as he tells his story in flash cards...the serenity, the FAITH it took to tell us what that is: 




This story was brought to my attention for  a reason.  A direct message. It wasn't about his afterlife experiences...or his experience with EMS and being unconscious. It was something more for me.


He spoke of being proud of himself, and I couldn't help but wonder if God was telling me the same thing....to BE proud of MYSELF too.


He also spoke of not being afraid and that where he went was someplace he WANTED to be,  and he never wanted to leave. Heaven-his heaven...it was a reassurance of the fact that it is not only REAL but a place of total love and security, especially when he spoke of his favorite person and song being played there...Rapper Kid Cudi.


Ben's message was simple, but he asked us a question...


Do you believe in Angels and God?


~Happy Reading,
Karollynn




Message to Ben and His Family From Kid Cudi:
http://cudlife.tumblr.com/post/14834941934/iam-so-sad-about-ben-breedlove-i-watched-the

About Ben Breedlove:


http://www.youtube.com/user/BreedloveTV
http://www.foxnews.com/health/2011/12/29/texas-teen-leaves-behind-inspirational-video-after-christmas-death/

http://sfluxe.com/2011/12/31/kid-cudi-on-ben-breedlove-youtube-videos-funeral-i-broke-down-full-text-international-business-times/
http://www.ibtimes.com/articles/274634/20111230/ben-breedlove-funeral-streamed-online-fans-pour.htm


-To Answer Ben's last question:
  I do too.

~Rest in His Eternal Peace, Your Light Will Continue Shining Long Into The Night 

  Ben Breedlove
  August 8, 1993-December 25, 2011
  Thank you.

Vincero, Perdero-I Will Win, I Will Loose

This song is now one of my favorite songs. It is how I will live my life, and in that, I am wondering if I do it alone or with help.

I will speak more of Mario in the future, but for now, it is time to remind myself of this.

Vincero Perdero

Nei sogni che facevo da bambino
vivevo la mia vita come un re,
avevo giorni pieni di sole,
non c'era mai dolore.

Vincero, perdero
la mia vita vivro,
io da solo dovro camminare.
Vincero, perdero
la mia strada faro,
giochero la partita della vita.

Ho avuto brevi attimi di gioia,
momenti interminabili di noia,
ho avuto giorni pieni di sole,
io so cos'e il dolore...

Vincero, perdero
la mia vita vivro,
io da solo sapro continuare.
Vincero, perdero
la mia strada ora so,
ma da solo giochero la partita della mia vita.

Un re, io certo non saro,
eppure io vivro...

Vincero, perdero
luci ed ombre io avro,
ma da solo dovro continuare.
Vincero, perdero
la mia vita sara
come un viaggio lontano da fare.

Vincero, perdero
la mia vita vivro,
io da solo dovro camminare.
Vincero, perdero
la mia strada ora so...
Vincero, perdero
la partita giochero...
Vincero, perdero
ma da solo..

Translation:

I will win, I will lose

Ιn the dreams I dreamed as a child
I lived my life as a king
My days were filled with sunshine
And there was never any pain

I'll win, I'll lose
I'll live my life
I'll have to make my own way
I'll win, I'll lose
I'll create my own path
I'll play the game of life

I've had brief moments of joy
Endless moments of boredom
I've had days full of sunshine
I know what pain is...

I'll win, I'll lose
I'll live my life
I'll know how to continue on my own
I'll win, I'll lose
Now I know my path
But I'll play the game of life on my own

A king, I'll certainly not be
And yet, I'll live...

I'll win, I'll lose
I'll have light and shadow
But alone I'll have to go on
I'll win, I'll lose
My life will be
like a long journey to take

I'll win, I'll lose
I'll live my life
I'll have to make my own way
I'll win, I'll lose
Now I know my path...
I'll win, I'll lose
I'll play the game...
I'll win, I'll lose
But alone...

~Mario Frangoulis

~Translations by: Lyrics Translate

~Happy Reading

Karollynn

Let There Be Peace On Earth-Let It Begin With Me

It breaks my heart every year at this time when I read stories of desperation and pain...things that shouldn't happen do.


Yesterday a gunman shot and killed Officer Deriek W. Crouse while he was doing a routine traffic stop at Virginia Tech.  The suspected gunman may have turned the gun on himself...he was also NOT a student at the college.


The question remains as to why this person has done this...and was there intent to do more damage but because of lessons learned in the deadly massacre on the campus by one lone desperate gunman in 2007, campus and city authorities had been able to engage in new security procedures to protect students, did he in fact change his mind?  


Monday, a woman turned a gun on herself and her two children after a 7 hour stand off in a Texas Welfare Office over food stamps she didn't receive because she didn't follow through on all the procedures-fill out the applications correctly and failing to show at her interview for them...she died on the spot, her daughter, Ramie died two days later in a San Antonio hospital while her son barely hangs on to life today...the father couldn't help because he didn't know the where abouts of his children since they couple had been divorced and she had a record of mental illness...how she had gotten the children is a mystery and the father was trying to get to them.


I understand poverty leads us to do  many things we wouldn't normally do, and in today's society where we have a leader who doesn't seem to SEE those people who are in need, but killing children or in the previous story, an officer, isn't the answer.


Depression is the major killer of people this time of year...it is also the the reason WHY domestic violence and neglect cases sky rocket.  It is enough to make me cry. 


We can't go out and love on every lonely person this time of year, and we certainly cannot help all at one time to end this right this minute and that is often times my biggest frustration, and I have to REMEMBER that St. Therese of Calcutta (Mother Theresa) said we must begin with one, and continue to the next in order to change things for the needy...and to me  the needy aren't just the poor in pocket, but the poor in spirit and in mind.


When we read these stories during the holidays many try to shut them out and concentrate on what they can do for the existing people in need, but what about learning from the ones that it is too late to help? Why NOT think about that and ask ourselves what COULD have been done and what  CAN we learn from this to PREVENT this from happening again?  Even if we didn't know those people, can we use this for the ones in front of us.


We hear these stories constantly...the ones where we could have, should have all the time, surely there is a way to do something for that person we know will be alone this Christmas.


What about the woman who spent the first part of the year getting a surgery to live, only to loose her beloved mother near the end of the year? What can I do to make sure that, even though she has family near her who help and love her, she knows she is loved?  I already have the answer to this one...and I apply it daily...


We need to consider the weak of mind and spirit, be there to help when there is a need.


John Lennon once sang a song about imagining the world living life in peace, and it is a beautiful thought, but in order for that peace to occur, it must begin within ourselves, then extend to our neighbor, friend and coworker, before going out further.


Vince Gill sings a wonderful song that we play at this time of year called Let There Be Peace On Earth. The lyrics themselves speak of HOW that peace should happen:


Let there be peace on earth
And let it begin with me.
Let there be peace on earth
The peace that was meant to be.
With God as our father
Brothers all are we.
Let me walk with my brother
In perfect harmony.

Let peace begin with me
Let this be the moment now.
With every step i take
Let this be my solemn vow.
To take each moment 
And live each moment 
With peace eternally.
Let there be peace on earth,
And let it begin with me.

(child)
Let there be peace on earth
And let it begin with me.
Let there be peace on earth
The peace that was meant to be.
With god as our father 
Brothers all are we.
Let me walk with my brother 
In perfect harmony.

Let peace begin with me
Let this be the moment now.
With every step I take
Let this be my solemn vow.
To take each moment 
And live each moment 
In peace eternally.
Let there be peace on earth 
And let it begin with me.

More lyrics: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/v/vince_gill/#share

I think this is a perfect beginning, don't you?

Think about this:  this time of year is fueled with the thought of a single child bringing that to the world two millenia ago, and other religions consider this a time of love and giving too...how hard is it to show love to others if we love in our own hearts?

Please take a moment after reading this and think about who needs YOU right now-you and that person next door.

Christmastime For Me

Every year at this time, we all gather around our loved ones, we spend time finding those special gifts, and we bundle up against the cold as we go about our business. It is often a busy time of year when good will and bad show themselves in various ways and means...we give and we receive with equal joy.


It is a time when we all take stock of ourselves and we pay closer attention to those around us.  Sometimes we see those who are lacking, and we see those who are overloaded with a sense of goodness that it overflows onto us.  I wish that abundance would overflow from one person I know at work and onto another couple of people there, but that is not going to  happen anytime soon, and that is ok, because it will happen.


Christmas is always a bittersweet time for me.  I always love being with family, but when I watch my grandmother slowly fading from this world of her own volition, I get sad thinking that if she would at least try maybe she could be better.  I see my brother who has MS struggling with the financial issues that come with Medicare and Medicaid and wish that the burden could be lifted for him.  My mother, bless her heart is also having medical issues that seem to intensify with the passing of time, but she is always smiling and always happy-I just hate that she has to do breathing treatments after every activity she does that requires being up for more than 20 minutes. I just want to change things for them all....and for myself, but we are all together, alive and whole!  That is what matters in the long run and it makes me smile at the fact that we are all here.


This year will be a lot more interesting for me as I go along.  I have this new job that has proven to be very good for me financially and in many other ways.  I have more hours, better pay and insurance, so that I don't have to worry.  


I am still digging myself out of the financial hole I was in, but I am almost finished.  Come January 1, 2012 I should be in a place where I am able to do more than I will, but for now I can afford a little something for family members for Christmas, and that makes me thankful and grateful for the job that I have.  I continue to have faith in myself and my abilities to do what I must to get where I need to go and do what I need to do.


I am working on myself as well. Everyone knows that there are things about myself that I need to work on to get me where I need to be.  The list isn't too long, but it is a good one, and I cannot wait to start.


I will begin with Yule Eve...for myself...for the person I truly am inside.  


I want to be a well rounded human being, but in order to do that, I must strive to make myself be that more often and with gusto.  I must work on the new beginnings I wish to make and do it soon or I may  never do it.


I am making plans for the New Year for this blog, I want it  to be better, stronger and smarter...I want to focus on my belief in myself and in the journey I continue to take.  I want to be more active on my blog and focus less on things that make me shudder just being around them, but am still in love with...the good and the bad...I love what I do, but at the same time, I slowly loose interest because it can be stressful at times.


I digress...


This winter, I am devoting myself to spending more time reading.  What better time than when we all try to shut out the cold and try to spend more time indoors because it is prettier to look at than be in it sometimes.


I am going to devote a little more time to Jane Austen and my blog there, but I would like to read a lot of other titles that are sitting on my To Be Read shelf.  


I am always content to be at home alone with a good book and Emma on my lap as I read, with a cup of Earl Grey or a cup of coffee.  These are my comfort foods sometimes.


This year as the season progresses, I am going to be working on a new blog which will focus on my spiritual path, but this one will remain, along with the Jane blog and my writing blog.


Happy reading!

Kindle

I have found a new reason to get a Kindle today...


Not only is the Kindle portable, I find that I can now read while walking and save myself from carrying a silly bookmark whenever I go...


Don't get me wrong, there is something so nice about the good old fashioned book and bookmark...defining of a reader's character.  You see what people feel about reading..and I used a lot of things for bookmarks over the years since I am a book purist and HATE bending page ends, getting things on them or writing in them and marking them up.   


This would be perfect for me since I won't have to worry about ruining a book or loosing my bookmarks.


The other appealing idea behind electronic readers is that I can carry my entire library with me...if I need to look up something for one of my characters, for instance, I have the book right there with me instead of going into my boxes of books to find the one I am looking for, or have a whole stack of books sitting in one place or another. I have what I need at my fingertips.


The old fashioned traditionalist book lover in me will crave having a book in my hand and turning real pages, but at the same time, I am considering what ereaders are doing for the environment...saving  trees from certain death for my personal reading habit...but I think I will be alright.


Other advantages I found is that I can turn off the lights or sit in a dark place and STILL read my book because it has a back light to it and long battery life.  That would be nice so that I can turn off my bedroom light before I get settled in to read, rather than get out of bed to go turn the light off when I am tired...just turn off my Kindle.


I considered also getting the Nook since I already have two of Diana Gabaldon's books on the app along with a few more books, but right now the Kindle Fire is all the rage and it looks to be a good sound investment for the near future...I will be getting the Nook too in case I can't find a certain book in Kindle I am looking for, but for now I am going to enjoy the Kindle first.


Even though I will be carrying around my entire library on the Kindle, it seems I have to re-establish my library and buy almost all of the books again, but it looks like there are bargains, and I have a wish list so that each week or so after I get everything taken care of, I can order a few at a time.


I love Diana Gabaldon, Sherrilynn Kenyon, Gena Showalter, J.R. Ward, Sara Donati, Sara Douglas and a host of other great authors and I can easily find many of their books for cheap prices and some of them bundle on Kindle so it would be easy to get them at a cheaper price...though I just may go for the individual books and go from there.


There is a whole host of good books on Kindle that are under $3 and I can get some of those as well.  I do love to read.


There is also the easiest part of all, I don't have to visit a book store, I can buy and download a book in seconds from the bus stop if I wish to. I could have my TBR list sitting there waiting and start reading while I am riding home from work, or to work or on my breaks...no bulky plastic bags to take home.


Granted, there is something to be said about going in and exploring a book store and checking out all the titles out and all the fun things there, but for someone who would have to take a few buses to get there, or have to go to the grocery story to purchase them...how convenient is that when I would have to carry the bag home or on a bus when I do go?


Then there is the loss of Borders Books, which was very near me...that, I believe was the worst of all here...loosing a book store that carried all of my favorite Pagan authors and movies and good reads...and the erotic romance department was actually growing!


Soon, though we may only see book stores online like Barnes & Nobles (for they may end up closing their stores and relying on the ecommerce world for income too eventually, since their Nook is so popular as well), and others...what will be left may be the Used Book Stores still open and thriving because that will be all that will be left of the world of paperback and hardback book publishing.


Part of me is sad about that, another part of me marvels at the way we are progressing in many areas so we don't rely on natural resources to keep us entertained.


I won't get my Kindle for another few weeks, but until then, I will work on building my library on my Kindle app and my Nook app so I am prepared!


Already have Laura Stamps and Jane Austen all ready to go!!

Genral Ramblings

Ever since I got my new phone, I have been obsessed with the android in the phone.  There is so much MORE to do with it.

I downloaded my Kindle and Nook apps to it, and spend most of my time downloading books onto them both so I can take them anywhere.

Yes, I know that the print is small and all, but I just love the fact that I can take everything with me.  The easy access to my library of books has me enjoying reading once again.

I still want one of each of them-Nook and Kindle, but right now I settle for what I can get.  And this is the next best thing.  

With the job going well, I see things clearly settled with me by the end of October and everything under control again so that I can save the money for these "wants" that I do have after taking care of the "needs", which are endless right now.

The new job is going rather well.  I have all of my insurances with one exception, and that is life insurance, but that comes soon.

I have so many plans for the next few months with myself, it isn't even funny.  I am ready to get back to being the person I once was-add new bits and pieces to me.

There are stories swimming in my head and I am looking forward to finally writing them down, and getting what I need to do done for the sake of ME.  No more putting myself on hold because I have to take care of others and their feelings and hurts first (there is one true exception in this one and I do plan to be there when she is ready for me....what she is going through, I have walked this particular path-almost dead on).

I want to get back into doing book reviews again...and with my new phone and with my new resolve, I plan to do so.  I am finding new reads all the time.

My Tea In Austenland blog will continue soon, and I will knuckle down and do the blog posts I am behind on with Persuasion and everything else.  

It's time to get organized and on track once again. To stop letting people play silly games with my head and DO what I have always wanted to do, and to stop letting things get to me personally.

I am inspired to write more poetry too, but nothing has come into my mind yet.  It all seems jumbled up with feelings that I want to go away before they affect my life and my world.

This new job is fantastic.  I get close to 40 hours a week and quite a bit of common courtesy and respect from the people who hired me....not as much from some of the people I work with, but they are good people at heart and don't mean anything by it at all. One in particular is a good hearted person, but he does something that is inappropriate for the workplace and I don't think he realized that what he was doing was wrong since he is always nice to me and those around him.

My kitten, Emma is growing daily and getting happier by the week.  I am glad I  have her even when she drives me nuts just being a kitten.  She can't help what she does, but as she gets older and I get her declawed and spayed, she will calm down more and more. 

I think Emma had a bad start with the psycho neighbor who had her before me. Our beginning was a little weird, and she is still skittish sometimes to the point where I worry about her.  She seems to fear sudden moves unless she is right on me.  If I get up, she seems to think that I am coming at her and she runs and hides for a few minutes. I only hope that time will help her calm down over this since she trusts me completely.

I love having Emma around.  It is nice to have her greet me at the door and try to climb up to my face with "Welcome home" meows and attempt at kissing my face.  It is also nice in the first half hour when she climbs in my lap while I am trying to get my shoes off and relax.

I think it is the sweetest thing to be laying on the couch and she comes up and curls herself into my  stomach while we watch a movie together or when I lay down in bed, with a book, she finds her way into my lap.

It is also adorable when I am sitting there texting with friends on my phone and she starts patting at the phone like she wants a turn at typing.

She loves to play with me, and she loves to "attack" my leg or arm out of the blue. Those moments are the funniest things.

I hate when she chews my things up or starts cutting her teeth on me, but her "Wake Up, Mommy" licks crack me up and I know that is her way of taking care of ME while I take care of HER.  She is one of a kind, and I am blessed to have such a little daughter such as her to brighten my day.  I only need to feed her, and keep her box clean and she is a happy girl, but at times, I can't help but slip in a few little treats her way just to hear her purr louder.  That makes my day.

This week, I took my first two steps in getting myself back on track.  I got my hair cut, and they took off at least three or four inches of hair.  The second was beginning my Clinique

The next steps are to get my eyes checked and new contacts or glasses and to get my teeth fixed a bit at a time...then it is on to clothes and a manicure and makeup...I WANT so badly to look like myself again and to feel like myself!

I look in the mirror, and while I do love the person underneath, it is the person on the outside that bothers me the most...I look like I stopped caring about myself and it is no wonder...I need to get myself back to normal and soon!!  Get back to looking like the person I am supposed to look like. I cannot wait!!

Lately I have been working hard to get my home in order.  I have a bit of a ways to go yet, since I have stuff in here that really needs to go in the trash, but I am slowly getting it there.

I plan to buy new dishes soon and to get all new things for a lot of the rooms in my home because I am tired of the place looking like I don't care in there either when the truth is that I am a lazy housekeeper and get too tired after I work to do things.  Of course, my old job was part of the reason-I was walking an hour and ten minutes for work and I was depressed most of the time because I couldn't afford to work there and I was slowly going insane with the way they treated me, but now things are different, and I am feeling much better about myself and my life and everything is going well all over the place.

As I sit here, Classical music playing on the radio, a bag of chips and a cup of coffee at my elbow and Emma close by sleeping, I am thinking how great things are going for me, and that I am glad that Karma is my friend...and she isn't letting me down despite the things that have happened with certain people this past week.

No matter what happens or what THEY think, I know ME and I know how much better my life is getting with each passing month and I am blessed in all that I do and all that I am, and I feel sad for those who have turned on me and think I am whatever because of their own ignorance.  It no longer matters, but I do WONDER, (not WORRY) about how Karma is treating them at this particular moment and hope She is being kind and merciful.

Right now, I am too busy downloading books to my Nook and Kindle and finding some awesome reads for the bus rides I take daily and for my lunch breaks at work and doing my thing.  Having fun and living my life.  Discovering new ways to go about things.  

I am happy to be me right now, and I know things will get even better!

Disappointments In People/Pride In People

I am a good person.  I know that for the last few months, Karma has been my best friend.  I never harm anyone, I haven't spoken ill about people, and spent most of my time worrying about them.


Through the fun of roleplaying, I have made many friends who share something in common with me, the love of an author, or authors as it were and been able to meet people who by their very natures are awesome.


Don't get me wrong, I have met some real wack jobs and crazy people and those were usually few and far between.  I never messed with anyone nor did I have much contact with them.


Through these adventures, I had the opportunity to meet someone I never thought I would meet...someone who was a writer and portrayed herself to be a nice person, though the meeting came through disgusting means and harmful people, it came and I opened up and trusted this person, I thought she was fantastic and wanted to be her friend, and wanted her to be mine.


After a while, things started getting weird, this person started doing oddball things, her attitudes changed, and I found out that she spent most of her energies on things she shouldn't have since she IS a writer after all, but it was cool to see her inspired on many levels by many of us online.


Months go by, and she would change on me like the wind.  When I wanted to know why, I would get non commital answers and no chance to talk whatever it was through and see where these things were coming from.  It was always about her and certain people she felt she was in the middle of-me and one other...which wasn't the case no matter what I told her...I only told her the truth about this person and a few times showed her and she didn't believe me.  That was alright, didn't matter she was still MY friend though she was acting like I was the childish one.


Recently she did it again, removing me from things where she was with the few exceptions where I had taken her out of so she wouldn't feel like she was being pulled or pushed into anything.


To my disappointment and surprise when I asked what was up this time, she accused me of some stupid thing about schoolyards and accused me of something that was NEVER true...she proceeded to sic the nastiest person on the planet on me...since I  had NOT been online much in days because I was working in my REAL LIFE and doing some things that were more important than be around her or talk to her (having cut the ties basically at this point, and asking my friends to do the same to cut off the drama all together since I was tired of going through the whole High School popularity thing again). 


This person portrays characters in Famous Author's roleplay groups and represents the author and the things this person said and threatened me with and continues to do make me sad because what this roleplayer is doing is making the author look bad and make themselves look like little yapping dogs...to the point of dragging in someone I love very much and would do anything in the world for...and doesn't need these two doing what they are doing at this moment.


I could care less about this roleplayer because he keeps getting himself removed for bullying people and causing mass confusion with the people who watch us and love us.  He will attack from one of his many characters, then swoop in on another and become your friend acting as if he hates himself and has moles in his own groups just to get close to you..he did this to me seconds after the bullying was over and I had made sure that he couldn't mess with me again. This is schoolyard...this is nasty.


The thing that is the worst is this person is a PUBLISHED author who dragged this person in to do her dirty work and has done this before. It is disappointing because I did like her and had a lot of respect for her as a person and as a writer, even though I still feel she needs a lot of improvement and maybe a dictionary to go with it all since she doesn't understand that roleplaying ISN'T about her, but about the love of the author you love, the character you roleplay and the fans of this author-which you are supposed to be one of too. 


Of course, I am not counting the stalking she does of certain characters and the way she ignores her own work and that is so sad.  Granted she has helped another friend, but it is the one she stalks and it amazes me the lies that have been thrown around and the childishness coming from that faction.


Since the bullying began and the "stealth" malarky that her little pitbull has been doing, I have not outwardly shown them disrespect or said a word about this author or this roleplayer, yet they are out there trashing me and my name.


Here is the kicker here folks, no matter what they do, what they say, my support has been growing.  My friends have rallied behind me, and as this third party in this situation is dealing with things that are not of the roleplaying world, and they are using this person and this person's absence and pain to make them believe I am a bad person.


Through all of this, the friends I have made in roleplaying have supported me, loved me and wanted to go out and DO something about this, to which I tell them not to because it doesn't matter what these others do because I have better things to do with my time than deal with them.  


I have found this support everywhere I go and I have found more people who are willing to stand behind me the entire way through and became a part of my family even though outwardly some of us cannot play together we are friends and support each other's groups and stand up for each other.  This is something that was created by me so that we can stop these people who treat roleplaying like a huge cesspool and those who blindly follow these crazy people.  


When bad things would happen, they just stood up for me, loved me and I love and respect these people.  I think of all of them as people that I want to be family with-in roleplaying and in real life.


So many times, I have seen the bad side of roleplaying, but recently I have made the move to stand against the bullying, the backstabbing, the visiousness of it all.  I am out to prove that roleplaying isn't a bad thing, but a fun thing. It is a way to meet new and fun people.


Since the end of November, 2009, I have met some extraordinary people on facebook through roleplaying.  From the two women who love to come decorate my walls, to the shy fan who just wants to say hello and is pleasantly surprised to have a response, to the roleplayer who, in character is one way and in private is totally themselves and worry about me going out after dark in the city (yes YOU sweets!), to the ones who shock me by saying that what we do makes their day and gives them some form of escapism.


And escapism is what roleplaying is...just like watching a movie, reading a book, playing a video game, or even writing our own stories. 


It is also a way for creative people to use their talents for improvement.  To understand how to write a kissing scene or a fight scene and dialogue.  It is a way for those who say: "Someday I am going to write a novel" to actually begin today.


Diana Gabaldon once said:  If you wake up in the morning and all you think about throughout the day is writing, and you sit down and write something everyday, then you ARE a writer.


This is true of these people I play with...these friends I have made since almost all of us are constantly thinking of new and exciting things to do to entertain the masses and further their characters once the book is complete...it is the continuation of the story, what we think happens on a day to day basis with the character.


Yet through all of this, there are still those who will use this for their own ends and means, and those who take it to the point of fantasy and bullying and that is what makes it hard to digest at times for me.


Someone meanly said that my problem was that I wanted people to like me and I am too worried about it and I should get over myself...well, the truth is that YES I do want people to like me, I don't want to be the only one at my funeral...and I roleplay characters by bestselling authors because I want to make friends and isn't LIKE part of that whole friendship thing?  Besides, my nature abhors the thought of someone not liking me for insignificant reasons such as the ones these people have.  


I show kindness in roleplay and I care because that is what the author themselves would want for the character and for herself/himself. That is the bottom line in all of this.


The fun part of this is the ones who make this worth my time and energy!  I see love all over roleplaying and I see kindness constantly being shown to all around, with a few exceptions...and that makes the one who disappointed me pity them too.

The Neighbor Downstairs

The new job begins on Tuesday.


My only concern is in getting up on time to catch the bus.  I am so worried that I will miss it most of the time because of craziness.


My neighbor downstairs is a constant worry to me because the woman, though sweet and has ADD, is a pain in the back side. She is always loosing her cellphone and storming up to MY apartment to use mine to find it or call and yell with her daughter. One day, I was on the phone with a friend when she stormed back UPSTAIRS and demanded the use of my phone after hers had gotten stolen...


This woman is so bad, she comes in and helps herself looking in my stuff and making herself at home.  I was not raised that way and to be honest, it makes me nervous to have someone doing that in my home where I am the hostess.


Thursday night around 3 a.m. she locked herself out of her apartment, the proceeded to hang around mine until almost 4 a.m.  and I was livid because she wouldn't call her daughter to come unlock her door until I hedged at it for 30 minutes.  My first thought was that I could have had to work in the morning and she was disrupting my sleep and my time just to do this.


I am going to speak with the apartment manager soon because this cannot go on anymore.  I am going to start doing something uncharitable and unChristian like tell her she cannot rely on me anymore and tell her no because she spends to much time taking advantage of me when she should be more responsible.


I know I am being uncharitable towards my neighbor but she cannot keep doing this to others around her, and she needs to use consideration when she does. I don't want to be mean to the woman since she is very kind, but she must learn to be responsible and not constantly blame others and other things for her mistakes.  She needs to find a way to remind herself of what she needs to do in order to survive, or her daughter and he apartment manager need to find a better place for her and have her live with someone else.


She babysits her nephew down there and we have gas stoves and heat...what if she accidentally locks herself out with him inside and the stove on or forgot to completely turn off the stove and the gas permeates the place????  That is what has me worried...and the fact that I am two floors up from her place and if she starts a fire, and I am up here, I could be trapped.


I know these are crazy worries, but I cannot help thinking of them and what could happen.

Generally Speaking

I have not been here in a while.  A lot of nothing is really going on.


The only things I can truly say about the past 3 or 4 weeks is that I have been doing a lot of reading, a lot of cleaning and a bit of not eating.


The new job starts tomorrow and I have one last thing to do before I feel completely happy in my world...and that is clean out the jungle that is my bedroom and organize it so that when I begin the new job I will feel like I have accomplished everything that needs to be done right away..


After I get my first paychecks and get the bills under control, my next thing will to be to make sure that I keep every bill updated.  I just can't wait to get going on this soon!


I also have a new "daughter".  A kitten that my downstairs neighbor couldn't keep because she didn't have the patience to deal with her since she is so young.  The lady had named her Zoe, but I cringe at such a name because it is not one of my favorites...no offense to anyone named Zoe, it just isn't a name that I particularly like.  Besides I am an old fashioned girl and since I am on my Jane Austen journey this year, I have re-named her Emma.  Figures, huh?  I love that name anyway, it is a good name for animal or human.


She is around 2 months old or so and is currently interested in using me as a chew toy! Drives me nuts, but gives me something to really complain about in the grand scheme of things. ~grins


She is a a short haired cat with gray fur and black stripes. I forget what breed she is but I am currently searching that one out.


The new job will open up new possibilities for me financially and mentally.  I will be able to afford this job and with the benefits that come with the job, I am anxious to get started since I have been broke for quite some time now and I haven't had a paycheck in that long.


Once things completely settle down, I do plan on writing.  I know I say this all the time, but I haven't been into it a lot lately and my brain is stalled for ideas.


I am also catching up my Austen blog and working on other things to add to Awaiting Diana's blog.  Hopefully we can get that running soon enough.


Since I have been going back and forth with Awaiting Diana and Diana Gabaldon's An Echo In The Bone, I have hopefully resurrected our discussions on the forum.   It would be nice to see the group up and rolling again or just create a new one...and have lots of fun with it.


I am also enjoying my Twitter again, and learning to stay OFF of Facebook and the crazy world that place seems to be...or at least not checking in so often in the last few days.  I just need a break from that place.


I would go back to my Myspace but not much goes on there anymore. I think it is sad because many of us put so much into the page it is sad.


Anyway, I am running now on new routines and getting organized for the future, hoping that with each passing month and year I am at the new job I can show how good I am and be worthy of raises and more responsibilities.


In a year, I am hoping that the new job is able to help me get a new home.  


I am not fond of the place I live now.  I have been here for a year and I am still trying to get everything out of the packing stages in my room.  I don't know why, but I cannot think of this place as my home.  It just doesn't feel right to me.  It is cheap, yes, but that isn't why it bothers me living here.


I think that it is the fact that most of this area is unsafe.  The building itself is a bit rundown and not really nice.


OK, I don't expect The Ritz type of situation here, but still, the place is just not some place that I feel comfortable in.  I don't feel that I belong in it...I constantly want to go out and find someplace better and someplace more pleasing to the eye.


I wanted to take the initiative and start making things look better and spoke to the apartment manager about it, and he said it would be alright to do so, but I can't until I can get my finances straight again, and he doesn't seem to care about anything here.  


Enough complaining.  


I am also working on myself spiritually!  I think there are things that need to be said for what I feel in my heart and soul.  I  am going to get that right again soon and will update as much as I can on that front!


I don't know, I am tired of wavering there also.  I do believe in God and I have always had  a good relationship with Him, but in the last year, it has fallen to they wayside by other things I thought were more important.  I am working on that one right now as well.  I am more calm and serene these days.  I will speak more about that sometime in the future.


Also, the journey through Jane Austen's world is proving to be a most enjoyable one and I am happy to be on it!


I am loving the Regency period and all that it has to offer along with other genres of romance that I would never have thought I would like!

I am enjoying this time a lot and I hope I can continue to read and work on my blogs together to make them the best I have out there.


I still have a lot to learn about Jane, Regency, and all that encompasses that world, but I am someone who loves to read and I love to explore things that are new and wonderous.


I would love to write a Regency, if I have the voice and talent for it.  It would be a nice thing to be able to do, to have on my ablities.


Now, I am off to read some more, I have to get Persuasion read and work on the Austen blog!


Have a great day!

Musings And Changes

With the coming of a new job, and many changes to my life, and watching and adding myself to new and more interesting arenas in writing, I feel that this blog will change just a bit as well.


I am changing the name soon and contemplating what that name should be.  I want it to be something that reflects the writer in me as well as my own personal voice.


I want to get back to writing reviews and giving you everything in my heart.


As of today, the new job looms in a week, and I am so ready to move forward with my life and myself that I cannot contain it all within me.


I would like to get with my other people and start working on a forum for reading and getting into things.


This past week, I have been working diligently on catching up my blog Tea In Austenland, a blog designed specifically for my year long journey through Jane Austen's world and the Regency Romance genre.  It is also a place for me to learn more about the Lady Jane herself and learning more about her and the world and time she lived in.  I am learning so much, and a seed idea for writing my own romance is slowly taking root.


There is also the lovely world I created called Forever Raven where I am discovering a whole lot about myself and my people through the writing process, I am enjoying it as much as I am enjoying my poetry site, Dreams Of The Blue Rose, and that may expand too in time..and grow and change. 


I am happy to say that all of this may culminate in the changes here that will encompass book reviews, my writing and everything else I wish to say or convey as well.


Recently I became more active on my Twitter and am ready to resume life there as well.  If you wish to add me, it is in the widget on the side of this blog.


Dreams Of The Blue Rose, the poetry blog still exists, but I have moved a lot to Writers Cafe and had it copyrighted for the most part.  I don't know if I wish to keep the blog open if I am to move it all over to the webpage.  I will let you know. 


As for the blog and forum Jen and I run called Awaiting Diana, we are still undecided on what to do with this since Jen has since moved her part in most cases to Darcy Nation and we were trying to keep the blog mainly to Diana Gabaldon and what is happening with her and a lot of my book reviews which are also here in some shape or form.  We will discuss this and move forward from there.


As I am surfing through all of the blogs and friends I have followed here, I see that many have been making the switches from one place to another, and many of the site are making changes to a lot of things these days.  It is a bit discouraging for someone who is trying not to change too much in her world...but alas times do change and so do people...even my aol addy has had to be changed so I can actually use it and get back on track.


Beginning in the next weeks, this new job that I have will play a major role in how I post and how I do things across the internet.  I am making personal changes to get organized and ready for the new job...from house cleaning to downsizing my activities everywhere...this includes the addiction and crazyiness of Facebook.  


I am looking forward to this new job because I will be able to do a bit more for myself and be able to advance as the years progress.  I plan to stay there as long as I can and be a very productive employee, and to show that I am worth something in my own mind.


I will write and make sure that I make the time to write and not fail myself in this.  In the end, I don't want to say I wish I had done this.  I want no regrets at the end of my life.


My religion is another sore spot in my heart, but I do know where I am, and what I want...so the Catholic in me does stand firm as the Pagan tendencies reconcile themselves with the fact that what is there is actually Christian as well.  That doesn't make sense to anyone but it is what is happening as one is half dying and the other is going strong.


I am so happy for the changes I am making and the new worlds I will inhabit in the near future, life seems to be getting better!  I can't wait til it is great!

Too Much-Good and Horrible, Jane Austen and Regency Romance

Times are changing for me.  It seems like I have gone from one extreme to the next.


So much has changed over the past year.  I have gone from living with family and having to rely on a phone for my internet service to living on my own and having a job that cannot support me.


Nine times out of ten, I have had to make the decision on whether or not to eat or pay the electric.  The electric would win out and Ramen was the meal choice for the week.  


I barely could cover my rent and had bounced a few checks, then I became late on my rent.  I hated this.  I am so angry at the fact that no matter what I tried to do financially, I cannot make it at the job that I do like, respect and get frustrated over.


I have suffered terrible headaches in the past year that have kept me wondering if I will survive through the day or night.  I have hidden these well, and attributed them to stress of gaining and loosing friendships in the games I do online called roleplaying.  Then again, one meal a day and my failing eyesight are factors here.  


I am not going blind, and I don't think I am physically ill in any cancerous way...no tumors, but harsh headaches that take me to the point of being suicidal at times.   I know I am slowly getting to the point where I need bi-focals, so I know I am not always going to see very well, it just galls me because this is something I never want to admit.  Who knows, I may end up blind someday anyway.


I digress, to get back to my reasons for posting today. 


I have been so frustrated in the past year with the groups I admin, the people I want to slap from here to common sense and back again, and I have been broke and cannot afford to work at this job.  I also saw no true potential for advancement in recent months.  This was brought to me loud and clear about three weeks ago when I practically begged to replace a girl in her position to get out of the one I am in now, and I was told to wait, only to find out that they were already filling the position that week.  Talk about dashing my hopes of a steady income and knowing that I would have more hours...in a part time job no less!


Anyway, about two or three weeks ago, I went and put in an application for a new drycleaning chain that was opening up and a subdivision of a major corporation of cleaning products-smart move in my opinion.  I went for the interview, did a fabulous job as they told me during the interview and told that I would hear back the next week.


They called, the position had been filled and my application was being put into a file in case they needed help in the future.  I was told that they had picked their first rounds of employees from the people they had to re-locate and from the applicants they had, and it was a stiff competition, but I had still impressed them.  I was devastated and heartbroken!  I wanted that job so bad, I could almost taste it!


Time goes on, my electric is way beyond due, and I was waiting for it to be shut off, my rent was already one month behind and I was getting calls from people wanting money from me.  I was in tears, broke, starving and wishing for a new life at this point.  I had even gotten the newspaper and bookmarked Monster.com just to find something-anything-that was better than living in absolute poverty.


I was going to go ask for State aid just to eat.  I didn't want to, my pride and my honor was fighting this like nobody's business!  A girl at work had even given me the number for the local church who helps people in need by giving them some money for their rent and baskets of food.  As you can guess, my heart was quaking at this, thinking of the people out there who had children and needed this more than I did.  I could live without food, and I could find a way to pay all of the rent if I just worked a few more hours, and that wasn't happening!  Nope, nada, I was not going to gain any quarter from my employers at all!  


I had to call my aunt and tell her that, despite the fact that my license was getting ready to expire, I could not afford to renew it and maybe I could get a state I.D next month because I couldn't afford it.  She offered to pay it, and came to pick me up yesterday to take me to get it done-it was already too late, I have to take the driver's test all over again-ugh!  


As I sat waiting for her, I had already taken care of some business and decided to see who had called me after lunch break while I was working.  It was time to brave another couple of people wanting money from me, and telling them I was not going to be able to do anything about it....well, one call was from the apartment manager....no surprise, I forgot to tell him I was having some troubles.  


The second call floored me.  It was the company who didn't hire me asking if I was still interested in a job!  You can imagine my answer to this one!  YES!!!  


I called them back and we discussed things.  The job is going to be full time and at least $1.25 more an hour than what I am making now!!  I would have to take the bus, and do what was necessary to get through the paperwork and everything, but my family offered to help me with that one.  I sat there, waiting for my aunt, in the parking lot of my job and talking to someone else about getting this new job!!!  It was all I could do to NOT go inside screaming that I was going to give them notice and I was going somewhere else to work!!  


I did tell the guy I work with, who runs our department though and he was happy for me.  Told me to not worry about them, to just be happy that I was going and doing something better for myself.  I felt so good at that moment.


I did contain myself and waited until I got in my aunt's car to tell her....of course I was babbling about talking to the apartment manager about how to go about making the rent and back rent while I waited to start the new job.  My aunt not only gave me the money to renew my license but also the rent money.  


I got home and remembered that I had some money I had pulled out of my account for the rent that I was trying to keep people out of, so I had that plus some money she gave me for groceries.  


I got home, and the electric was out. I owned over $390 and only had $300 for it at the moment.  They took the money and turned my electric back on and now I only owe them a little bit and am set for the month.  


The best part is that my next payday is tomorrow and it is direct deposit.  I now have food money and a little left over to save for the next month's rent.


I still have to pay the rent, but at least I know I have it and I will tell the apartment manager that I won't have this problem in the future.  Who knows, I may be able to afford a luxury or two after a year of living in basic poverty.  I just need to get through the month of July and settle into the month of August and prove to my new bosses and myself that I am worth something!


You see, I have figured myself out. I have been suffering from depression for over three months now.  It is causing lost sleep, bad moods and making decisions that I would never make in my entire life!  I have been a mess!  I can tell I have been depressed and not just tired as I tried to tell everyone around me...my dishes aren't getting washed, my apartment isn't clean, my brain isn't focused and my whole being isn't what I am used to it being.  I actually hate myself and I want to STOP hating myself now!


So, in honor of this monumental decision, I am going to start a new book review blog for myself.  I want to keep this seperate from here and my writing and poetry. 

I have recently re-emerged myself into the land of Jane Austen and have begun a blog called Tea In Austenland, a blog where I discover my favorite author and her novels. I write about her books, herself and the women and men who have written published re-writes, sequels and prequels to her books. I am also writing about her history, the movies that are made and re-made of her works and anything associated with her.  


This is my way of inspiring myself to get into the writing habit and get on with my own novels.
In the course of this, I have discovered a love for Regency Romance.  Who would have thought it possible, ME a lover of Scottish historical romances, some contemporary romances and a lover of most paranormal romance....in love with Regency!  


Ah well, it just goes to show you that a gal has many sides and facets to herself and she has yet to discover all of them.


Anyway, to get back to it, I have started reviewing the Regencies there, but I am thinking that maybe I need a seperate blog for that whole genre...then again, there are only 7 novels in Jane's library of books, and Elizabeth Gaskell has some great ones, but not many. So why not? Then again, there are 1,000s of Jane fanfiction to review and write about, what is a little new blog about Regency and Romance in general among friends? ~g


I will think about this for a while, and decide if I want to continue writing a real life blog and just take what I have and import it elsewhere.  I am not sure yet.  I want to do it, and I know I can, I just need to find time to read through all of the roleplaying I do.


Which brings me to the last year and a half.  I have been roleplaying characters from two authors I  love.  I will not say who they are and give it away, but just say that until now I have enjoyed playing these characters and have become the leader of two very wonderful groups of players.  


The imaginations of these people are so amazing that I cannot begin to describe it at all! I love being around such creativity and working side by side with people who want to bring joy to the world is so much fun!

I do own and run another group under my pen name of Raven Pegasus.  It is a roleplaying group I created that is designed to help me in my writing.  The six people who help me with Clan Raven are amazing and I trust them with my life.  


The writing is setting up to be a novel or series of novels based on witches and their abilities.  Each character has an element and a personality that rivals the person playing them.  I am loving this and we are going to work on getting our first storyline set up in the near future.  The players have already started establishing themselves among the fans and people are flocking to it already, not much, but enough to get them fired up.


I will not say more except that this is on Facebook and that the group is my family as much as the other two.  I am looking forward to seeing where they help me go!  I want this so bad I can taste it! I can see this working and this going somewhere amazing and wonderful and I cannot wait to settle into the writing part of it.


With this new turn in my life, and getting this new job, I am also looking into writing some Regency Romance myself.  I have some ideas on it and on what I truly want to do with the writing.  


I have some great books on how to write a book and some great sites on the internet bookmarked to help me on my journey.  


I have even adopted a new pen name for my Regency writing and for whatever else I do outside of Clan Raven.  I may even use this name for Clan Raven, not sure yet, but I  know this will work itself out someday soon.


I also had my first poem published in a Pagan magazine.  This magazine was just launched and it was a total pleasure to be part of the first issue.  It is an e-zine and wonderfully written and managed by a wonderful new friend.  I can't wait to do more.  I have a ton of them now as we speak and enough to give her to last quite a while.  


While my world is going up and down, I am striving to be better.  


I am going to form new habits and make everything work again.  It is time to get organized, and cleaned up.  I will spend some of this weekend working towards that goal.


They say it takes two weeks to gain a new good habit and one day to break it.  I will work on making it so it is impossible to break these new habits.  


I think I need to dust off my organizer, go online and see if I can find something more to supplement my income and to start cleaning out my life for good!  


It is time for that permanent house cleaning and  permanent mental attitude adjustment, and I am so ready for this one!


It is also time I started acting as I want to act, be as I want myself to be, and not some nasty thing I look at in the mirror!  I want to be that person I started out trying to be eons ago when I had decided the first time that I wasn't going to be that disorganized, ugly, unsophisticated person I was.  


I also think it's time to use my intelligence to its fullest capacity and stop wishing others would just get smarter or less rude or less ignorant of what they say and what they do.  


I want to be this newer person, and I want to save my money so I can afford something better by next year.  A place where I don't have to worry about being cramped or hearing neighbors slam doors.


I am so ready for this to begin, it isn't even funny!


I just want to be the person I am meant to be and not stop at just that!  I want to write, read, live, eat, and be who I truly am for the first time in my life!


I am so ready for some good to start in my life and to go down smiling and knowing that in the end, I didn't break, I bent just slightly and I remained though I was changed for the better.  That is what I want the most.  


That, and to accomplish my greatest dreams, even if it is only for myself.


Yes, this has been too much for me...this life until now...but changes are coming and coming fast, and I look forward to them.


Now I am off to read Stephanie Sloane.  I think I like this Regency Romance writer a lot!

New Report On Me

I am back, and feeling really good about myself these days...or so I sometimes like to think.

I have had a strong conviction in the religion I am choosing to walk, and going to do my level best to follow it...I am a witch, and I can't help that. I keep hearing those words in my head as I go along.

I have begun a new project that includes writing my book and new poetry.

30 Seconds To Mars' Jared Leto kind of reminds me of Caine, my sometimes bad boy who loves Arianna.

Alasdair Raven is Arianna's twin...a widow with a few surprises in store.

I am planning to begin a writer's blog for this or just use my webpage for this. I think it would be easier for me in the long run. I do need to work on it or create a new one for writing. Not sure yet what I want to do.

I have been in my own apartment now for almost a year. I like it, but it is hard because my job isn't that lucrative. I am now searching for alternatives to the financial problem, but I am going to hang on for a while longer. I have been at my job for over a year, and I really don't see much of a future with it lately.

I do love having my own place, but I just don't like living so close to the city.

I have all of my freedoms back and able to have a lot of privacy, and that is good, I just miss my Ian Simon Sullivan. I can't afford to have a cat yet, but I do want one so bad, it kills me.

My neighbors are alright. One is definitely rude, another stays to herself, and the new one across the hall hasn't truly moved in yet...and the one on the bottom floor is the sweetest lady here, but you can tell she is lonely. I don't mind her coming up to chat or whatever, she is kind too.

I want to find a new job soon. I cannot afford to live my life and be able to save money in the one I am working in.

They killed Osama bin Laden. I am glad that he is finally gone, but part of me feels like his ending was anti-climatic considering that the War on Terror started so epically and so tragically...you would have thought that after all this time, we could have given those victims some form of satisfaction with his death, but from what is said, it happened so quickly nobody knew that he was dead until the end of the whole thing. He is truly gone now and we can breathe easier knowing one less man is on the Most Wanted list of all time.

I am currently stalled in my reading. I have a pile of TBR's on my nightstand, but I have been way to preoccupied with many things lately to get into them. Or I have been too tired from working and too stressed from my other activities to get into any one of them. Sad because I love reading so much.

The Awaiting Diana Blog is gone now, almost. The other creator and I are working to find a different path to take with it, but for now, we are on hiatus with it.

I am so tired these days. I can never get enough sleep, or enough relaxation time.

I am going to go ahead and create a new blog or a new web page for my writing. I think it will be easier if I do.

New Inspirations

I have really been into 30 Seconds to Mars lately. I don't know, it's like Seether for me. Something about the and the music gets to me deep down.

I have been busy with my job and a new endeavor lately, one that is close to my heart and writing the stories of my characters.

Sometimes I feel that the best way for me to do what I need to do is get back to basics. Back to me and what I am used to doing, and right now that is writing and everything in my heart.

I will write more later and introduce a new blog geared mainly towards writing...or a web page if that is possible.

Happy Birthday To Me

It's my birthday, and I hope that this year brings good things.

I want to practice what I am and do great things!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME