Getting Ready To Begin

I received my copies of Stephen R. Covey's books today.  

I have so far, just looked at the basics on how to use the books and will begin reading The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by this weekend.

I am looking forward to doing this and finally having more tools to help me on my journey through life.  We all need a little help on our way, and to me, it is in HOW and WHERE we find the help we need.

I will be adding my reading list to this blog very soon, and in the order I am reading the books.  It will help me document my where my trail has been and where it is leading me.

The workbook for The 7 Habits says to read the first 62 pages before reading it, so that is where I shall start on this path.

Still no leads on a job, but with the holidays, I will just have to hold out and hope for the best in the weeks after the New Year...think positive and move forward.

Mercifully I have LinkedIn to help me out!

The Year Of Growth Coming Up

Today, I purchased The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephan R. Covey.  

It will be here by tomorrow thanks to the wonderful people of Amazon.com.  

I bought the book along with another of Mr. Covey's books because I wanted to see how this man could help me improve myself.

Yes, I admit that I will need help in fixing things in my life that aren't right.  I won't deny this since doing things by myself has not worked because I have sabotaged myself ever step of the way.

When I bought the book, I started thinking about other things in my life and how they can be improved as well, and I thought about this blog and it's usefulness.  

What can be gained from this blog if I don't use it for the good of myself and others along the way?  What does this blog do?

The answers so far are simple...I post about depressing things OR I talk about books I have read, and to be honest, how much does that help others when there are book review blogs that do a great job on their own?  Look at my sidebar link and you can find those amazing blogs for yourself.

No, what this blog needs to do is not only help me document my journey in life, but to help me improve myself along the way.  It needs to be something of worth to read for others out there who want to see what happens in this journey I am taking.

So, what do I propose to do about this?  

I propose to actually read Mr. Covey's book, and follow its examples, and hopefully find other books to enrich my life and follow their examples and document them here.

Why not?  After all, why keep what I learn to myself?  Why not share my journey with the world?

I will blog about my journey and where it takes me over the course of the next year.  

Though, I think I will be spending the rest of this week doing some house cleaning and some mental changes in myself so that I prepare myself.

I will read the first chapters of Mr. Covey's book and blog about them when I read the book.

I am looking forward to this, I cannot wait to see what this does for me personally.  I need to fix things for myself.

I also have a few other books that I will read that are already in my bookshelf.  I will read them all one at a time and use them for my own personal benefit.

I think I will call 2013 my year of Personal Growth and Enrichment.  It will be about many aspects of myself that need work and growth, but I am going to try this.  

I will make an attempt to blog as often as possible because that is part of this journey.

There are more ideas for myself forming in my head now, and I will get to them as soon as I can and then I will explore them and see what kinds of fruit they produce!

Idina Menzel Gives Me Strength and Purpose

When I saw Wicked, I feel in love with Idina Menzel, her voice and talent blew me away...so when I came across these videos and songs, they instantly became part of my heart, and gave me purpose and strength.

Thank you Idina!  

I Stand

A Look At Mental Change

I have been thinking about the post I did on depression and I am thinking that in order to take care of this particular situation, I am going to have to take the bull by the horns.

I have pinpointed the areas that need my attention.  Confidence and Depression causing the laziness factor.

I am going to look into things that will help me change these bad habits in my life.

I want to overcome this in the best way that I can.

So I am resolved today to start the process of changing myself and becoming the person I know myself to be.  

This will not be an over night situation but one that will take a while to accomplish and patience is going to be my thought through it all.

For the job situation, I have added myself to LinkedIn, a site dedicated to helping and promoting people in their goals to have a good job or even a career.  I am looking forward to seeing how this site can give me the tools I need to succeed.

I am also going to look into many different aspects of myself and my life in the next few weeks as I continue the search for a job.  

I think this is also the time to finish many things that I have already started or work on things that should have been done all along to fix myself.

I will get there, but it will take a while...and I am ready once again to at least give MYSELF a chance to change for the better...and to make myself happy!

Physical Change

Today I took a general look at my own appearance and realized that I do not want to look like I do anymore.

Let me explain...

You see, for the past 5 years, I have let myself go physically.

My haircut looks nasty and the color washed out. 

My skin looks like I have spent way to much time in the sun and I look OLD.  I am 42 years old and about to become 42, I don't want to LOOK like I am old.  I don't mind being 43, as long as I don't look like it.

My hands and nails look like someone added a layer of sandpaper to them.  Disgusting to me.  The psoriasis is really harsh on me...even in my ears.

I wear my clothes like a garbage bags.  I don't seem to care about myself anymore.

Well, looking in the mirror today, I decided it was time to change that along with the other things about myself I don't like.

I darkened my hair and it looks great and I am going to start a personal regime every morning to try to put myself BACK where I belong.  I even bought a new hair  piece to play with that gives me more options.

My entire skin care line has been sitting in my bathroom feeling neglected because all I do is brush my teeth and hair and go.

No more!  If I want to SHOW that I care about me, I need to also take the outside into account.  It is time to stop hating my own looks.  

No more bags under my eyes, no more wearing whatever just because it is there, but actually taking care of myself.

I don't have to wear makeup, but maybe every once in a while...when I go out, do it.

It is time to start caring about what I look like as well as caring about what is on the inside. 

Why Laziness?

There's a point in my life where I need to stop and figure out why I keep loosing jobs,  living paycheck to paycheck and living in a chaotic environment and following the same patterns of personal destruction.

Prime example...I bought an organizer for my life in August. The goal of this organizer was to actually get myself on some sort of schedule of life that would make things easier.  I used it until November then....Nothing, nada.

Once I lost my job, it seemed easier to just set the thing aside and not continue using it.

Why did I buy it in the first place? Simple, I wanted to set goals, accomplish them and keep record of WHAT I needed to do to accomplish things in my life.

I wrote in this very blog about how I wanted to accomplish things in my life, from personal to financial to writing.  I have not accomplished anything I set out to do.

Another example was getting up and actually cleaning my house from front to back, except the bedroom...it is now dirty again.  I have let things go again and am not giving myself the opportunity to keep things organized and in good shape.

I stopped getting up at 7 am and sleep until 10 am or 11, wasting the best part of the day to get things done!  I could be up early, dressed and OUT there looking when there isn't anything online to apply for, but I am not doing it.  The question is WHY?

I spend most of my days in pajamas or on the couch not caring about much of anything.  I don't even go grocery shopping much anymore, it is pathetic!  

The question raised at this point is this...what is holding me back? Why am I never motivated to do anything that could make a difference?

I see people out there every day who DO these things, my Fey Queen, for example, is constantly on the move writing, working and doing things I only dream of doing for myself...no, not in the same way she does, but in my own way.  She is complete in herself.

Sharon Lathan is another person who is doing the things I only wish I could do.  She is out there, she is not only writing, but she is making friends and connecting with the real world and sharing hers.  She set goals for herself and she accomplished them.

There is a young man who is now considered an internet star who USES what he has done to gain not fame but a living and to advocate his own rights in the world.  He is very intelligent. I will not give his name because I do not think it is important, but the important thing is that he is DOING and not just sitting back, being lazy.

But this isn't about them, it is about me and what is going on in myself that has me lazy, and fearful of moving forward and making something of myself.  I can't blame anyone but myself because there is no one to blame.

That organizer stays empty because I don't take the time to set new goals and accomplish them.  I don't get off the couch, put on some clothes and go out there and find what it is that will make my life better, or financially sound.

I don't feel like I love myself enough anymore!  I have tried to get that back in bits and pieces, but it just fails in my ability to be lazy.  That is the bottom line!

In my way, I am a beautiful woman...I can write poetry, I have a fantastic story that needs to be written (and yes, I know this and I know it is original!), I know what I want.  

I need to examine this closer.  Laziness is an enemy but it is also my constant companion.  When I get the gumption to get up and do something, I procrastinate or I wait until I am forced to do it...

Then again, there are things that I am forced to do that I do not really want to, my heart isn't in it.  Why?  Possibly because someone WANTS me to do them because it fits their molds of what is expected, and I don't want to do what is expected.  

Maybe the laziness comes from fear.  I never thought I was good enough, or someone scoffed at what I did want to do, making me fearful of actually doing the things I love.

I lived a lot of my life in fear of censure, afraid of what people I love would scoff at or turn their noses up at.  I am sorry, this is true.  People around me looking at me like I am stupid or crazy isn't something that I ever wanted in my life, so I hid things.

Writing is a prime example.  Everyone loves to read, yes it is a hard industry to get into and keep in, many make money and many don't...but the environment I live in will look at the negative and tell me to keep my feet on the ground, that this isn't a good life for me because I won't make money or I may not be good enough.  

So, maybe my laziness is actually a manifestation of fear and the insecurities where writing is concerned...but that leaves the rest of myself....

The physical chaos around me makes me depressed and unhappy.  I do nothing about it.  The answer to that MAY in fact be simple laziness, but what about the rest?  

Is it because in loosing my last job because someone is selfish and stupid and the reasons were so OFF and wrong that I have lost more confidence in myself?  Possibly.

I know I was loosing confidence in myself in the last three years.  Every time I thought I was doing something for the betterment of myself, I failed or someone or something constantly got in the way.  

I know I didn't have any attitude issues at my last job, but I was constantly being put down for my job performance...a job that I confidently did for 16 years!  

And that, may be WHY I am still repairing the damage done by the last company I worked with.  A company that allowed management to damage the confidence of the people who worked for them.

So, what have I learned today?

I am lazy, but the laziness comes from several sources.  Fear, busted confidence and maybe there was depression, but the depression lifted as I was let go of my last job.

What am I going to do about this?

I am going to work on this, slowly but surely.  It is time to break out of my fears of what others think of me and the things I WANT to do with my life, and realize that I am a good person, I am NOT a punching bag for those who do not have a high opinion of themselves.  

It is time I started remembering who I am and what I want of this life.

Phase: Writing

So far today, I have yet to begin my new goals list.

They are only a day old, but I have to solidify them all and make sure that I follow them to the letter.

The writing bit is harder to get into since I have yet to figure out how I am going to write, and the way I am going to go about it that makes sense to me.

I am concerned about the writing, because I have spoken to many friends here and there who have written novels and have told me the good and the bad in doing so.

I hold no illusion that I can sit here in my jammies day and night and write whenever the mood strikes...it takes dedication, hard work and hours of my time to do so.

The time aspect is where I will eventually have to look longer and harder at since I am now in the process of searching out a new job, and trying to make ends meet...I don't expect to magically write a book, get it published and be on the bestseller's lists all over the world making stacks of cash...I don't think that happens overnight for anyone-even John Grisham...sorry folks, he put a lot of dedication and time into every book he has written, and only HIS name on those novels now is what truly sells because he worked hard to gain the world's affection for his works.

I expect no less for myself, but first I need to write before I start thinking that far ahead.

I have been doing research into my favorite authors and checking out their interviews on the practice of writing, and getting a lot of information and insight into things so that I can begin.

Many now dedicate full hours to their writing, but this I cannot do because I need to keep the roof over my head right now, and I  need to eat, and that costs money.

I can only write when I can, dedicating myself to a certain amount of hours right now, and also trying to do research for that writing. So, I am setting up a writing schedule that will work for the time being and allow me to find a job or work full time.

As long as I am writing everyday, I believe I will be able to start doing this on my own.

There will be more on this subject soon!

~Happy Reading
Karol Lynn

My Newest Venture

I am not sure how this is going to work out, but I have a  new venture while I am out there trying to find a job.

http://kmonroe.find-a-deal.info/ 

If you click on the links, you will find deals on my new site.  Everytime you click on the link it gives you a great deal and helps me.

I do encourage you to at least check it out.   These are hard times and whenever and wherever you can find a good deal, I would suggest taking it!  I know I do every chance I get.

The link is also on the right side of my page above my Twitter link and I will be tweeting some great deals as often as I can, so follow me and soon I will begin putting up a separate Twitter profile for the site when it becomes necessary.

This us a new adventure for me, and I hope it works out!  I encourage you to check me out and see what I have going!!

Veteran's Day

I love our veterans.

My truest belief is that a veteran is someone who has survived war when his comrades haven't so that he can tell the stories so that WE remember who they were and what they fought for-us.

To all Veterans, please believe that you will never be forgotten....from the Revolution to today in the Middle East...

You are doing something I cannot do, and to me, what you do is the miracle that is the United States of America.

To those who served and died in Australia, I may not know who you were, or what you fought for but you are amazing!  Happy Armistice Day!

~Karol

Bad Times Again

Well as of Saturday, I was let go from my job.

I will not go into details but to say that what happened may have been completely wrong and not from my end of the bargain...I know I did nothing wrong, and that something was off when the local butt kissing trailer trash threatened my job the day before, I was set up to be let go...

It doesn't matter, because I know that God will reward this behavior in both and it is not my place to question it.

I am going for unemployment and I will make sure I find a job that will value me and work with me and not allow this kind of behavior.

I will find something to do that will make me feel like I am a good person and a good employee.  It won't happen over night, but hey, it will happen.

Obama is now going to be president for another 4 years...this is a bad thing in many ways because he has yet to do anything that will bring profit to this country and not steal from the masses...

I am praying for a better 4 years and for our re-elected president to wake up and realize that the people of this country want job security, peace and a president who cares about them and the ones defending this nation...that maybe we will find a way to show this president that his medical care program goes against the basic principles that are in our Constitution-LIFE, LIBERTY, and Happiness...these will be taken away from many when or if this stupid medical program takes place...and we can forget the financial deficit it will throw all of us into...especially those out there who actually CAN work for a living and DO work.

Oh well, again, I say I am still a political atheist and I choose to vote when it is necessary but I will stop letting it worry me....

God have mercy on this country and on me.
~K

Ron Moore wants to bring Diana Gabaldon’s Outlander to TV

Let's see what happens!  I am dying to find out!!


Ron Moore wants to bring Diana Gabaldon’s Outlander to TV

Of course, she is absolutely right!!  Gerard is WAY to old for Jamie!!! 

Colorado Massacre

This makes me want to cry!  How can one person so calmly do this?


Batman Shooting

My heart is in Aurora Colorado!


Remember, the world is dangerous, but you must not let it kill your need to go out and LIVE your life!!

Tired of Things

It seems that I am questioning myself again-as a writer and as a person.


I need to figure out why I am feeling such ennui these days.


I am trying to read Persuasion, but for some reason, my heart isn't in the place to read.  I want to blog on Tea In Austenland about this but it is hard when I cannot get motivated enough even for that.


I will spend time evaluating myself and figure out why this keeps happening.


Though, I do believe that the attitudes and actions of others that I know online have been the root cause of all of my feelings of apathy.  I watch friends doing stupid things and it makes me want to smack the snot out of them, but I only shake my head and contemplate unfriending them on Facebook.


Another part of me is wanting desperately to go back to the way things used to be when I first began playing on the internet, or doing some changes on me and on the things I do now.  I guess I just want to do things differently or go back to the way they used to be with a difference.


I miss doing book reviews and blogs about Diana Gabaldon and Jane Austen, I want to add more to that too.  I am just ready to make my life productive.


I am also tired of the way things are in my personal life.  The same bad habits keep showing up and keep me from doing what I want to do the most.  I want a productive life!

Generally Speaking III

My computer is a pain in the butt, so is my broadband, and they both make it hard for me to want to be online so I spend a lot of time on my phone, which as a lot of new apps that are not very easy to work with some days!

I have been working six days a week with barely any financial show for it.  It is odd, since I work for a good dry cleaning company!  It is still a little hard to make ends meet.

My writing has taken a bit of a slump these days because I am always tired and always complaining about the heat.  We have had a heat advisory almost every day since the beginning of summer here and I am so tired of sweating and feeling like I need to shower every five or so minutes!!

Work is going well, but as I said, financially it is not doing so well for me.  I would try to get more hours by playing around or going slower but I don't want to be like others, and I actually want a raise, so I will continue to do what I can for the greater good of the company so it reflects well on me.

What it doesn't do for me is help with the bills and the need to get my teeth fixed soon!  I really want to stop feeling self conscious about myself, and getting my teeth fixed should help.

Since last September, I have been a member of the American Legion Auxiliary here in my town.  I did it so that I would have something fun for me to do with my step mother.  I am enjoying it a lot, and have been making some great friends there, even if they are mainly older women, it is still nice to be able to do this and be around my dad and Mama Vickie for a while.

I have become the Chair for the Security part of the Auxiliary and need to find out more about it.  I didn't really want to jump into doing things like this just yet, preferring to get my feet wet first, but oh well.  It seems like a good way to start doing more.  I look forward to it and I will give more information about this and the Auxiliary soon!

Right now, I am working on trying to figure out what I want in life and what I want to do with my writing and I will write more on that soon.  

Writing, Life, Whatever

I am still stuck for things to write!  The block sucks!!  


I think it has something to do with the way things are going everywhere I am these days!!


I had some ideas I want to do for the future, and I will tell you about them soon!


The truth is that I feel I need to DO something more, be something more and I am working on that, thinking about it.


At work, I am watching people content to just be and screw around and it makes me even more determined to make more of my life, be more classy and have an interestingly great time!


I am mindful of Diana Gabaldon's advice for writers-if all you can think about is writing, then you are a writer.  However, I  can't help but think that the other part of that is that you must WRITE something to BE a writer!!!

Working On Me-The Sequel

I have been thinking about this long and hard since my last few posts about being on step ahead of crazies and the social media that is Facebook and the way it takes society out of social networking and so forth.


Now, I am frustrated yes but seriously I no longer care about getting put in that state of being.


Nor do I want to continue on with my job as it is.  I am tired of the drama from social networks and the unnecessary stress of the real world.


But what is a girl to do?  Does she hide her head in shame and wallow in depression or self pity?  No way!! Not me.  I don't like that state of madness anymore than the drama and stress.


My plan is simple yet going to be hard at times.


I am turning my personal habitat into a sanctuary where all I need and want is right in my own home. It will become a place of total serenity even when I am online doing what I need to do to satisfy the masses.


How do I do that, pray tell...well I will tell you in the most basic terms.


You see, I figured out that they reason why I am depressed as well is because of the tragic messy state of my home...yes, I live in a basic pigsty and I can offer excuses for that by saying that I am so tired from working six days I don't want to clean, but that isn't right since I know this is depression that guides my hands into this state of nasty.


So first off, I am going to get this place cleaned up and get it looking like a place I want to spend my time in, and KEEP it cleaned.  Once I start doing that it should be a good  start for me.


The second thing I need to do is start routines that help me get my life organized and allows for me to write on a daily basis...J.R. Ward writes everyday without vacation or sick days, I don't want to be like that, but I have figured out other things I can do in that regard.


Diana Gabaldon worked AND wrote, surely I can find my personal balance too.  I know I can do both.


I will also make sure I surround myself with the things that are familiar and comfortable for me.  Brands and things I know and trust to make me feel comfortable with my life.  I just need to know that in my home I am happy and content.


My routines will involve these things that I KNOW and trust on a regular basis. It will include meals and what shall be called SPA time.  That is, the time of night where I spend in my ablutions and actually turn the bathroom into a spa oasis that rejuvenates and relaxes me completely at night, but at the same time, when I get up in the morning, it is the preparation for my day ahead.


I will also limit my dining out to once or twice a month until I am sure I can afford it again.  I have food in my home, if I keep those basics for lunches-whether or not I get to take a lunch break or eat at the bus stop-I can save even more money.


I will also begin my days with a breakfast, orange juice and coffee along with vitamins.  I will eat lunch and make myself dinner every night, almost always at the same time so that I KNOW I have to do it.


Next on the list is living simply elegantly.  I would like to have a glass of wine with my dinners and read the Sunday newspaper while eating a lovely breakfast.  I will finish reading the classics and learn all that I can in this world of everything I can...


Eventually I will be able to afford to get Cable television, and I may have some shows that I will put into the routine as well.  I would love to be able to watch the third season of Downton Abby and enjoy most of the programs on PBS as they happen.  I am not an American Idol or reality television fan but maybe I can find a show that I cannot live without, like a lot of people I know do.


I will also re-engage in activities I used to participate in online.  My Jane Austen forum has been a place I have missed so much and would like to reconnect with.


I would like to reconnect with my real self in my email life.  Try to catch up and keep myself updated on my emails.  I am dreadfully behind in that arena as well. I forget who and what I do on them!!  


As for magick...yes, I will strive to work in that area as well, making myself a stronger witch and a smarter one at that!  When I can afford it, I will study to become a priestess in the craft.


Yes, that brings me to the other question...I am a witch, this is what keeps whispering itself in my head and it is what I am...I cannot deny this nor do I want to.  I will continue my studies and make sure I broaden my horizons in this manner as well.


All in all, I do believe I am working towards a better me....I am going to get myself a new organizer and use it daily to mark my progress and to keep myself...well. organized lol


I am also discovering a love for erotic romances and I am going to endeavor to read more of them and maybe they shall inspire the writer in me as well...though I would like to blog about the books I read, I shall start slowly and move forward...I have a blog that I will use for this project.


I want to work in my writing forum.  I have become very behind in it and want to add to its members list and very soon.  I can accomplish this in a few ways, and I will do so soon.  Role players are often brilliant writers and just need the encouragement and push to make the dream a reality.


I will get to all my favorite book review blogs and keep myself updated on them also.  I want to keep up with what is happening everywhere with all of my authors and I don't want to miss a thing.


I will also update my website, if I can.  Dreams Of The Blue Rose.  I haven't been there in a long time, but I think I need to do a lot of work on it and on me.


Yes, this is a lot that I want to accomplish, but I need to do them in order for me to feel like I am accomplishing everything I want to do...and I am not letting down friends.


I do admit that some of this stems from a bit of envy for a good friend who does write and is publishing some of her works.  I want to be like that, to be able to write and be published and not be left behind because I am wasting my day and my life with excuses.  Nikki Noffsinger inspires me to WANT to be like that, even if she doesn't see it herself.  


I want to write what I love and share it with the world!!


I know this is a lot to ask of myself and the world thinks I may be crazy to try this all at one time, but I can't help WANTING a better me.  Of wanting my dreams to come true!!


I want to do this, to be a better me and to show those people who are around me that I am capable of everything that I set my heart and mind to!!

Jane Eyre

I watched the 2011 version of Jane Eyre, based on the classic novel by Charlotte Bronte.


I have attempted to watch other versions of this movie, but so far have not found this book to spark an interest in me until now.


The actors are perfect and you have an eye candy of sorts in Mr. Rochester...I think I would love such a man as that. LOL


I love Judy Dench in this!! She is another of my favorite Madame Actresses from across the pond!  She is smart and intelligent and beautiful at the same time.


Jane Eyre is brilliantly written as a screen play and has sparked my interest in actually reading the novel. I am resolved to do so as soon as I can.


Though the book doesn't inspire me to write in a way such as the authoress nor does the movie, but it does give me something more in the way of broadening my horizons and giving me what I want so much of this world.


I will buy the book soon, and the movie but right now, I have to wait since I have lost my check card and I cannot do much financially just yet, but I do have the book on my Kindle since it is free and I will start reading it then.


This book reminds me of a more cleaned up version of a Charles Dickens novel...dark, dreary but with a possible ending that gives the reader hope.


I am going to like finding out more about Ms. Bronte and her novels.

So Tired Of The Stupidity!

I am so tired lately, I cannot begin to say why except that people are crazy!!


I know I have mentioned it before but the people I work with can be very bipolar in nature and it makes me wonder why.  It is just a job, we do it, get through it and go home only to begin again tomorrow.


The people I hang with online just irritate me even more!!  Some of them act like they care but they don't.  They continue to do the things they do and hurt others without conscious thought to anyone else.


The problem with being on social sites like Facebook and Myspace is that it takes the humanity out of it all.  You become a profile to others and not a real person on the other side of the internet connection line.  You are an object to them and it is really sad to me!!  People don't think about that and unconsciously hurt someone they will NEVER meet in this world face to face.  Someone that in REALITY they would NEVER think of hurting at all!!


I am about to chuck the whole thing and concentrate on my writing and on me since others seem to have issues online.  Nobody wants to work towards helping others or doing the right thing.  It is getting to be a waste of my time and effort anymore.


I am longing for simpler days online when I could get on my yahoo messenger and chat with NORMAL people and go to my blogs and just write or to Myspace and post on people's walls who don't have any agenda but having friends online to laugh and joke with.  


I miss the days of Awaiting Diana and regular emails with people to chat about books or hang loose with them.  I also miss Covenspace and the way things were there...easy, magickal and inspirational.


I want the past back, yes, but at the same time I want more in this life!  I am so tired of all the petty things going on, it kills me.


Don't get me wrong, I love Pagan Place but I need to get there more often and commune with my fellow witches and I need to get back to writing and enjoying the good times that always gave me.


I also miss my sanctuaries...my park and the library in my hometown where I didn't have to hide who I was and be what and who I am...never to be confused by crazy issues.


I miss being able to drive anywhere I wanted to go and live a good and easy life of just being alive.


I can't say I miss my old jobs since they were always stressful and a pain in my ass but I can honestly say I miss the easy routines I had once kept, including the old apartment I had.  I do miss living there.  It was a place of self discovery to me and I found out who and what I am...now I am afraid I don't comprehend anything about myself.  


I want ME back!!  I want the person I am supposed to be.


This week I am going to work on figuring out how to go about that!!

I Wish People Would Get Real!!

I like my job, I really do, but the people I work with are crude and crass and ignorant of anything!


Two of them act like they are better than the rest until I pull the big words out of my lexicon and blast them in the brain!  I can see the confusion and fear in their eyes when I do.  It is enough to make a girl want to scream!


The one guy I work with is such a whiner for a guy!!  Every time I turn around he is crying about something or tattling to the manager about things!  I have learned to pretend to be patient with the guy and keep my mouth shut because he will squeal!


Everyone there show such inconsideration it drives me nuts...then they want me to show them respect?  It is crazy!


The general manager is a good person, though young, she is trying hard to do things the company way and to help me out in her own way but sometimes she forgets the things she says she will help me with...though she is genuinely happy that I am finally getting close to 40 hours a week, I cannot stop but think that this young woman needs more experience in not only this business but in dealing with human beings before holding so much responsibility.


Her little cohort and stupid sidekick is such a liar, you know she is doing it and you have to keep your mouth shut because she has somehow managed to kiss enough ass and wheedle and lie her way into her upper positition-which isn't much.  She is bossy and does NOT know how to handle people.  Originally she was laughed out of the room when she wanted that position being told she doesn't have the skills and abilities it takes to BE in that positition...so, what did she do?  She made sure she got the people out of there she wanted out and then threw many under the bus and lied her way into the position and we all know that all it takes is a lot of complaints to UPPER management to get her gone and sooner or later someone WILL do it, and I will back them.


I have nothing against this woman except her desire and need to attempt to belittle people and try to over rule the general manager's words right in front of her...and the general manager doesn't say anything!!!  If this woman DOES more to make me mad there and continues her little Hitler attitudes then I am going to say something for the first time in nearly a year since I started working for the company.


I am tired of the stress of some idiot who can't treat people with a little human dignity yet wants everyone to respect here...it isn't happening.  I will never respect her any more than I respect Obama!!!  I respect the postions they hold but as for the people NO!!


Beside that fact, this woman is ignorant and she is backwards in her speech and her manners.  She is nothing but trailer trash and knows it, that is why she does what she does.


Forgive me, but ANYONE who has gone to college and gotten a degree HAD to have taken an English class or two and this woman's English is atrocious!!  It makes me ill!  I am half tempted the next time I hear her  talk to say: "Um, didn't they teach you any English in your basic courses at college?"  Just to be a smart ass and to show the rest of them that many of the things she says it totally untrue!!  I would like our GM to catch her in at least one lie or two so she can see the woman for what she is!!  A conniving little whore-ish backstabbing bitch.


I can see this woman stabbing our general manager in the back soon!  She has done it before and I know she has no qualms about stabbing another GM in the back, and this time a very naive one at that!


Despite this, I love this job and just want to do it with my own vast experience without this woman getting in my way or telling me I am wrong, especially when she was 17 when I started working in this profession!!!  She is a looser and she knows it!!  I cannot wait to see her fall and she will, I can see that too!!

Downton Abbey

I have fallen in love with a new British series.  PBS Materpiece Theater Downton Abbey.


It is a wonderful British drama set in the early 1920's about an aristocrat family right after the Titanic sank and before and during and after World War I.  


The show takes you between the classes, from the family that owns the house and their servants below stairs.  


The cast is rich and diverse and the focus isn't just on one or two people, but the struggle each family member and staff member goes through on a daily basis.


While I don't like Mary Crawly very much, she does grow on you a bit, but it is the way the family treats their servants and their people that make me love the show.  To the family, the servants aren't just there to do a job, but a part of them, and they recognize this fact throughout the entire series.


The first season has us seeing different things like trying to figure out how to live with an heir to the estate who isn't a son of the family and trying to marry him off to the eldest, only to have things change and attitudes.  You can see a love grow between the future Earl of Grantham-Matthew Crawly and Mary Crawly the daughter of the present Earl.


You see below stairs the same thing that has been going on since the beginning of time...people of the lower classes working hard to better themselves and elevate their positions in life by either stabbing others in the back on their climb up or working diligently to work honestly.


You also see something that delights me very much...Anna Smith, a maid for the ladies of the house and the new valet-Mr. Bates (played by my very favorite Brendan Coyle) begin a budding romance of sorts...he is an older man, but he is still very handsome, and Anna loves him very much as does he.


The second season takes us through World War I and makes you think of many things as the household staff has to adjust to the changes of the times and the young men going off to war.  It is a sad time as loss comes constantly to the family and the staff, but they all pull through and become involved, turning Downton into a hospital,


In this season, you see more substance from the younger two daughters of the family-Edith and Cybil!  The two start out struggling to find a way to be useful along with their mother, and in the course of time, they find it in the soldiers in different ways-Cybil becoming a nurse, and Edith just being there and doing odd bits and things for them.


In this season, changes to the Mary/Matthew relationship change even more as they become engaged to different people, but they still love one another and worry constantly about each other.  The only person in this is Mary's fiancee whom we instantly dislike, but Matthew's is one that even Mary cannot help but like and they become kindred spirits of sorts.  I loved that very much about this series! 


Dame Maggie Smith has always been one of my favorite actresses!!  She is beautiful and even now, I cannot help but hope that when I become and elder myself, I can only be as beautiful and refined as she is.  She plays the Dowager Duchess and she is very funny and lovable even in her cantakorous and classic ways.  You cannot help but love this character, even if she can be a pain in the bottom!


Hugh Bonneville plays the Earl of Grantham and I am so delighted with this since I adore him and the actress who plays his wife, Elizabeth McGovern.  They both make this so much more fun and interesting...especially since he finds himself the object of a slight crush from a maid in the second season...


What is fun about this series is that romance IS NOT limited to the younger set or the upper class.  It is centered around different couples and it is unique in each one!  I love that the older men do not get slighted in the least here!


I cannot wait for the PBS airing of the show beginning in September!  I am hoping that by then my finances with be smooth so that I can afford to get Cable television again and be able to watch the show rather than wait to buy the next season or borrow it from Netflix to see it.


I can honestly say that I am a huge fan of this show now!!

Warchild - No Way Home

Sherrilynn Kenyon's brother singing a new Dark Hunter song for Sundown!

Been Busy And Tired

I am so tired!  My job is crazy these days!  I can't believe how little regard management and her cohort has for others around them.


I barely get home, and lay down on the couch before I either pass out or turn on the tv and watch movies all day long!


I haven't even had the heart to be on Facebook, but then again, the drama there with certain friends is enough to drive me insane!  I am so tired of some of the attitudes and actions of people there.


I spend most of my time relaxing when I am home and thinking of how I want to live a better way than this.  I can't go on like this!  My apartment is an unholy mess and I can't even muster up the desire to clean it!!  It is horrible.


I spend as much time reading Jane Austen as watching movies!!  I don't know, I guess that Amanda Price in Lost In Austen is right, you take it on the chin and patch yourself up with Pride & Prejudice!  Only, I won't get the chance to step into the pages of Jane's world like Amanda did!  Though that would be absolutely fun, wouldn't it?


Either way, I am in need of something MORE here and not just scraping by financially and mentally!  I need something to help me remain true to myself!

New Work Hells

Well, it is official!  They fired one of the women I work with..this means I get to work six days a week and am expected to bust my own ass and stress out over dumb things.

The good news in this is that while I am working more, my paychecks are getting better and better! I will be able to get myself back on track in the next months or so, and I cannot wait to be in a better place.

I have decided that going Vegan, while a great idea, is not completely for me.  Instead, I shall cut my meat intake back even more than I do-which is 3 servings a week, and switch out less healthy things for  healthier.

I have also decided to cut off my eating out as much as I  possibly can and just relax about my eating habits.

I am still struggling with my writing.  It is sad, since I love to write, but it is getting harder and harder for me to do so!  I think it does have a lot to do with working too much.

I am struggling in other areas of my life that I need to work through.  

I have failed in my resolutions to change certain things this year, but I have decided on that score that it doesn't matter and to do things as they come, slowly integrating new patterns and things into my daily life rather than just shoving myself into them.

I will eventually get there, I just need to have patience!!

Feeling Antsy

I am feeling antsy lately, like I need to do something but I don't know what.

I am staying away from the resolutions I was making because they seem to be crazy!

Right now, I am consentrating on things I love to read like Diana Gabaldon and Jane Austen.  I just need that sense of normalcy for the moment!!

I may do a blog about Diana, but I am not sure.  It is an open thing at the moment.  The only problem is many people do these things.

I guess my problem is that I am desperately trying to find my thing like everyone else in the world.

I am considering going Vegan.  I am doing research, and to be honest it seems like things I can do since I have a food allergy to poultry too.  Though the fish thing may need to be looked into more thoroughly.

If I start a new diet, I will have to slowly integrate it into my life, like everything else so I don't feel like I am purposely depriving myself of anything!  There are many substitutes for the things I eat that are just as good.

I am also working on trying to figure out my personal calling in this life.  I don't know why, but I am feeling a bit alone in the world and in need of something more.  I used to feel these often, but I have a feeling I need to try harder.

Saying Hello, Updating

It has been a while since I have written, but I have been busy recently trying to make ends meet.


I work with idiots and I cannot even begin to describe how beneath me they truly are.  I don't say this with arrogance, but with a sense of knowledge that I know more in this world and have an even more open mind than they do and I am sick of their attitudes towards others.


I am struggling to make things work financially, and it is taking a toll on me personally!


I will write again soon!  I have ideas and thoughts!

Happy Birthday Raven

I love my birthday!  

There is so much to be happy about and so much to look forward to.

I am 42 this year, and I am going to walk my path to my best ability!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!