Genral Ramblings

Ever since I got my new phone, I have been obsessed with the android in the phone.  There is so much MORE to do with it.

I downloaded my Kindle and Nook apps to it, and spend most of my time downloading books onto them both so I can take them anywhere.

Yes, I know that the print is small and all, but I just love the fact that I can take everything with me.  The easy access to my library of books has me enjoying reading once again.

I still want one of each of them-Nook and Kindle, but right now I settle for what I can get.  And this is the next best thing.  

With the job going well, I see things clearly settled with me by the end of October and everything under control again so that I can save the money for these "wants" that I do have after taking care of the "needs", which are endless right now.

The new job is going rather well.  I have all of my insurances with one exception, and that is life insurance, but that comes soon.

I have so many plans for the next few months with myself, it isn't even funny.  I am ready to get back to being the person I once was-add new bits and pieces to me.

There are stories swimming in my head and I am looking forward to finally writing them down, and getting what I need to do done for the sake of ME.  No more putting myself on hold because I have to take care of others and their feelings and hurts first (there is one true exception in this one and I do plan to be there when she is ready for me....what she is going through, I have walked this particular path-almost dead on).

I want to get back into doing book reviews again...and with my new phone and with my new resolve, I plan to do so.  I am finding new reads all the time.

My Tea In Austenland blog will continue soon, and I will knuckle down and do the blog posts I am behind on with Persuasion and everything else.  

It's time to get organized and on track once again. To stop letting people play silly games with my head and DO what I have always wanted to do, and to stop letting things get to me personally.

I am inspired to write more poetry too, but nothing has come into my mind yet.  It all seems jumbled up with feelings that I want to go away before they affect my life and my world.

This new job is fantastic.  I get close to 40 hours a week and quite a bit of common courtesy and respect from the people who hired me....not as much from some of the people I work with, but they are good people at heart and don't mean anything by it at all. One in particular is a good hearted person, but he does something that is inappropriate for the workplace and I don't think he realized that what he was doing was wrong since he is always nice to me and those around him.

My kitten, Emma is growing daily and getting happier by the week.  I am glad I  have her even when she drives me nuts just being a kitten.  She can't help what she does, but as she gets older and I get her declawed and spayed, she will calm down more and more. 

I think Emma had a bad start with the psycho neighbor who had her before me. Our beginning was a little weird, and she is still skittish sometimes to the point where I worry about her.  She seems to fear sudden moves unless she is right on me.  If I get up, she seems to think that I am coming at her and she runs and hides for a few minutes. I only hope that time will help her calm down over this since she trusts me completely.

I love having Emma around.  It is nice to have her greet me at the door and try to climb up to my face with "Welcome home" meows and attempt at kissing my face.  It is also nice in the first half hour when she climbs in my lap while I am trying to get my shoes off and relax.

I think it is the sweetest thing to be laying on the couch and she comes up and curls herself into my  stomach while we watch a movie together or when I lay down in bed, with a book, she finds her way into my lap.

It is also adorable when I am sitting there texting with friends on my phone and she starts patting at the phone like she wants a turn at typing.

She loves to play with me, and she loves to "attack" my leg or arm out of the blue. Those moments are the funniest things.

I hate when she chews my things up or starts cutting her teeth on me, but her "Wake Up, Mommy" licks crack me up and I know that is her way of taking care of ME while I take care of HER.  She is one of a kind, and I am blessed to have such a little daughter such as her to brighten my day.  I only need to feed her, and keep her box clean and she is a happy girl, but at times, I can't help but slip in a few little treats her way just to hear her purr louder.  That makes my day.

This week, I took my first two steps in getting myself back on track.  I got my hair cut, and they took off at least three or four inches of hair.  The second was beginning my Clinique

The next steps are to get my eyes checked and new contacts or glasses and to get my teeth fixed a bit at a time...then it is on to clothes and a manicure and makeup...I WANT so badly to look like myself again and to feel like myself!

I look in the mirror, and while I do love the person underneath, it is the person on the outside that bothers me the most...I look like I stopped caring about myself and it is no wonder...I need to get myself back to normal and soon!!  Get back to looking like the person I am supposed to look like. I cannot wait!!

Lately I have been working hard to get my home in order.  I have a bit of a ways to go yet, since I have stuff in here that really needs to go in the trash, but I am slowly getting it there.

I plan to buy new dishes soon and to get all new things for a lot of the rooms in my home because I am tired of the place looking like I don't care in there either when the truth is that I am a lazy housekeeper and get too tired after I work to do things.  Of course, my old job was part of the reason-I was walking an hour and ten minutes for work and I was depressed most of the time because I couldn't afford to work there and I was slowly going insane with the way they treated me, but now things are different, and I am feeling much better about myself and my life and everything is going well all over the place.

As I sit here, Classical music playing on the radio, a bag of chips and a cup of coffee at my elbow and Emma close by sleeping, I am thinking how great things are going for me, and that I am glad that Karma is my friend...and she isn't letting me down despite the things that have happened with certain people this past week.

No matter what happens or what THEY think, I know ME and I know how much better my life is getting with each passing month and I am blessed in all that I do and all that I am, and I feel sad for those who have turned on me and think I am whatever because of their own ignorance.  It no longer matters, but I do WONDER, (not WORRY) about how Karma is treating them at this particular moment and hope She is being kind and merciful.

Right now, I am too busy downloading books to my Nook and Kindle and finding some awesome reads for the bus rides I take daily and for my lunch breaks at work and doing my thing.  Having fun and living my life.  Discovering new ways to go about things.  

I am happy to be me right now, and I know things will get even better!

Disappointments In People/Pride In People

I am a good person.  I know that for the last few months, Karma has been my best friend.  I never harm anyone, I haven't spoken ill about people, and spent most of my time worrying about them.


Through the fun of roleplaying, I have made many friends who share something in common with me, the love of an author, or authors as it were and been able to meet people who by their very natures are awesome.


Don't get me wrong, I have met some real wack jobs and crazy people and those were usually few and far between.  I never messed with anyone nor did I have much contact with them.


Through these adventures, I had the opportunity to meet someone I never thought I would meet...someone who was a writer and portrayed herself to be a nice person, though the meeting came through disgusting means and harmful people, it came and I opened up and trusted this person, I thought she was fantastic and wanted to be her friend, and wanted her to be mine.


After a while, things started getting weird, this person started doing oddball things, her attitudes changed, and I found out that she spent most of her energies on things she shouldn't have since she IS a writer after all, but it was cool to see her inspired on many levels by many of us online.


Months go by, and she would change on me like the wind.  When I wanted to know why, I would get non commital answers and no chance to talk whatever it was through and see where these things were coming from.  It was always about her and certain people she felt she was in the middle of-me and one other...which wasn't the case no matter what I told her...I only told her the truth about this person and a few times showed her and she didn't believe me.  That was alright, didn't matter she was still MY friend though she was acting like I was the childish one.


Recently she did it again, removing me from things where she was with the few exceptions where I had taken her out of so she wouldn't feel like she was being pulled or pushed into anything.


To my disappointment and surprise when I asked what was up this time, she accused me of some stupid thing about schoolyards and accused me of something that was NEVER true...she proceeded to sic the nastiest person on the planet on me...since I  had NOT been online much in days because I was working in my REAL LIFE and doing some things that were more important than be around her or talk to her (having cut the ties basically at this point, and asking my friends to do the same to cut off the drama all together since I was tired of going through the whole High School popularity thing again). 


This person portrays characters in Famous Author's roleplay groups and represents the author and the things this person said and threatened me with and continues to do make me sad because what this roleplayer is doing is making the author look bad and make themselves look like little yapping dogs...to the point of dragging in someone I love very much and would do anything in the world for...and doesn't need these two doing what they are doing at this moment.


I could care less about this roleplayer because he keeps getting himself removed for bullying people and causing mass confusion with the people who watch us and love us.  He will attack from one of his many characters, then swoop in on another and become your friend acting as if he hates himself and has moles in his own groups just to get close to you..he did this to me seconds after the bullying was over and I had made sure that he couldn't mess with me again. This is schoolyard...this is nasty.


The thing that is the worst is this person is a PUBLISHED author who dragged this person in to do her dirty work and has done this before. It is disappointing because I did like her and had a lot of respect for her as a person and as a writer, even though I still feel she needs a lot of improvement and maybe a dictionary to go with it all since she doesn't understand that roleplaying ISN'T about her, but about the love of the author you love, the character you roleplay and the fans of this author-which you are supposed to be one of too. 


Of course, I am not counting the stalking she does of certain characters and the way she ignores her own work and that is so sad.  Granted she has helped another friend, but it is the one she stalks and it amazes me the lies that have been thrown around and the childishness coming from that faction.


Since the bullying began and the "stealth" malarky that her little pitbull has been doing, I have not outwardly shown them disrespect or said a word about this author or this roleplayer, yet they are out there trashing me and my name.


Here is the kicker here folks, no matter what they do, what they say, my support has been growing.  My friends have rallied behind me, and as this third party in this situation is dealing with things that are not of the roleplaying world, and they are using this person and this person's absence and pain to make them believe I am a bad person.


Through all of this, the friends I have made in roleplaying have supported me, loved me and wanted to go out and DO something about this, to which I tell them not to because it doesn't matter what these others do because I have better things to do with my time than deal with them.  


I have found this support everywhere I go and I have found more people who are willing to stand behind me the entire way through and became a part of my family even though outwardly some of us cannot play together we are friends and support each other's groups and stand up for each other.  This is something that was created by me so that we can stop these people who treat roleplaying like a huge cesspool and those who blindly follow these crazy people.  


When bad things would happen, they just stood up for me, loved me and I love and respect these people.  I think of all of them as people that I want to be family with-in roleplaying and in real life.


So many times, I have seen the bad side of roleplaying, but recently I have made the move to stand against the bullying, the backstabbing, the visiousness of it all.  I am out to prove that roleplaying isn't a bad thing, but a fun thing. It is a way to meet new and fun people.


Since the end of November, 2009, I have met some extraordinary people on facebook through roleplaying.  From the two women who love to come decorate my walls, to the shy fan who just wants to say hello and is pleasantly surprised to have a response, to the roleplayer who, in character is one way and in private is totally themselves and worry about me going out after dark in the city (yes YOU sweets!), to the ones who shock me by saying that what we do makes their day and gives them some form of escapism.


And escapism is what roleplaying is...just like watching a movie, reading a book, playing a video game, or even writing our own stories. 


It is also a way for creative people to use their talents for improvement.  To understand how to write a kissing scene or a fight scene and dialogue.  It is a way for those who say: "Someday I am going to write a novel" to actually begin today.


Diana Gabaldon once said:  If you wake up in the morning and all you think about throughout the day is writing, and you sit down and write something everyday, then you ARE a writer.


This is true of these people I play with...these friends I have made since almost all of us are constantly thinking of new and exciting things to do to entertain the masses and further their characters once the book is complete...it is the continuation of the story, what we think happens on a day to day basis with the character.


Yet through all of this, there are still those who will use this for their own ends and means, and those who take it to the point of fantasy and bullying and that is what makes it hard to digest at times for me.


Someone meanly said that my problem was that I wanted people to like me and I am too worried about it and I should get over myself...well, the truth is that YES I do want people to like me, I don't want to be the only one at my funeral...and I roleplay characters by bestselling authors because I want to make friends and isn't LIKE part of that whole friendship thing?  Besides, my nature abhors the thought of someone not liking me for insignificant reasons such as the ones these people have.  


I show kindness in roleplay and I care because that is what the author themselves would want for the character and for herself/himself. That is the bottom line in all of this.


The fun part of this is the ones who make this worth my time and energy!  I see love all over roleplaying and I see kindness constantly being shown to all around, with a few exceptions...and that makes the one who disappointed me pity them too.