General Chitchat

I am so bored these days.  I have cleaned and prepared everything to the point that there isn't much else for me to do.  I have finished many of my knitting projects, and am searching for something new to make...of course, that will be a perfect opportunity to go yarn shopping.

This summer has shown me something very sad...either I need to start exercising more or I need to just acknowledge that I am gaining weight and NEED to buy new clothes...sad, sad, sad.  I should buy new clothes anyway, most of my clothes are close to 8 or 9 years old and growing raggedy by the year. 

Gaining weight isn't that big of a scare for me because I was always below 110 lbs until I hit 45.  I couldn't gain weight no matter how hard I tried to.  I always looked like I was skin and bones. The cold weather would just blow right through me when the weather went below 65 degrees. I hated the cold because of that.  Now, I am getting some meat on my bones and I feel very good about sometimes..or until I have to take a deep breath, lay down on the bed just to zip up my ants (giggles at this).

I know that many will not sympathize with me, and that isn't my objective.  I just think that maybe I should just get some exercise so that I don't accidentally create physical problems for myself in the future. I think that size doesn't matter when you are healthy...and the doctors think it as well.

I am reading more and more these days because I want to grow in my path.  I also want to make sure that I become more stable in my convictions. So far, practicing has been a little hard because of my job and the heat that slowly saps my energy once I am home.  It will take some discipline and time, but I will get myself on track here.

So far, finances still look very good, and the big boss has been very kind in letting me get more hours in different departments.  I had to remind him the other day that I know how to do almost everything in that company once I am shown how their equipment and procedures work.  One of the reasons why I was not laid off in the beginning of this pandemic was because of what I CAN do now, but I have been showing the big bosses that I KNOW and CAN do a lot more than they realize. I like being useful at work, it gives me a sense of personal pride.

By the end of August, I will have my one year anniversary and I plan to begin the company 401(k) and begin planning for vacation time.  I want to use my vacation in conjunction with getting thing done, like going to the dentist.

I am hoping that by the time I can get vacation time, I can use my dental to fix the things wrong with my teeth...then again, I want to make sure that when that time comes, the world will be seeing the backside of this pandemic.

I still haven't found a place to live, but I do have one or two prospects that are within the budget I set for myself, and I am hoping that I can get to at least one of them before this month is out.  I am getting a little antsy about it because I want to move and be settled before September so that I can get comfortable before winter hits. 

As for everything else in my life, it's all good.  I just keep throwing the bad out of my mind and think on the positive side.  Karma is working for me recently.

-Raven

Finding What Was Lost, Looking For What Was

Over the course of the last few weeks I have been cleaning and preparing to leave the place that I am living.  I think that I have almost completely purged my life of the rubbish and bad vibes that have hovered over me and my life.  

In the purging, cleaning, and general re-organization of my home, I have found my Wiccan books. I think that was what I was looking for because I began to re-read them and to finally start to discover a lot about myself.

In finding those books, re-reading them, and practicing a bit, I am finding that I am starting to become stronger in my own resolve in many aspects of my life and my job.

I have been receiving so much negativity recently that I have been near tears trying to figure out what was truly wrong.  

I started wearing my protection jewelry as well.  I am trying to prevent these people from causing me to doubt myself.  

I think that I have also learned how to call them fools in Japanese and Korean...I have been showing my intelligence level a lot over the last week or so in a passive aggressive attempt to keep the trash from entering my personal space.  By the amount of negative energy that keeps trying to fly my way, I would say it is working.

 I haven't found a new place to live, but it will happen when the time is right. In the meantime, I am doing what I can to prepare financially and physically.

Finances still look very good, and more to come.  I am able to do what I need to do while I save for what I want to do.

While the world is slowly getting back online, I am working to get to where I need to be, and with patience and diligence, I think I will do very well.

There are some things that I feel like I am missing recently.  I keep having visions in my head of things that seem to be of the past, and I dream of people whom I have never met in this life.  

There is one in mt dreams that I have always dreamed of, and the source of my poetry on Dreams Of The Blue Rose.  I think I miss him the most, and I believe that I have either missed him this time, or I will meet him  eventually.  

I have also been missing people from this life...my stepsister, grandfather, grandmother, and my step grandparents.  I don't know why I am missing them right now, but I feel sad instead of happy when I think of them.

It may be because my grandfather's birthday is in three days. I have been hearing his laughter quite a lot recently.  

Don't get me wrong, I am glad that they aren't living right now during this trying time, and that they are not in any danger of the pandemic, but I still wish they could be here for just a little while so that I can reassure myself that life is good.

/Some of this is probably because of the changes that I am making in my life.  It may be a counteract to the negativity that I have been dealing with outside of my home or it could be that I am hearing the calling that I should be hearing.  

My spirit has finally stopped longing for things, so maybe I want to re-visit the past so that I can say goodbye and move on to the next level of life.

No matter how I look at things, I need to realign myself and continue on with the good things that I have been doing.  I need to go forward in this next incarnation of my life.

-Raven

Thoughts, Plans, Wavering and Other Assorted Odds and Ends

I cannot believe that June is one day away, and summer is on our doorstep. What a weird six months this has been for everyone already.  

I am ready for some beautiful weather and finally getting to be around people again.  Even if we need to do so cautiously, it will be nice to resume life again. 

I think that it is safe to say that all of us are thinking the same thing. We all just want to get back to what we were doing before, even with precautions in place.

As for me, things will get better at work because I won't have to do as much as I did before unless I volunteer to do so. It may mean that I will have to work on Saturdays again, but that is ok.  I am still working, and that is what is important.

I am still looking for a good place to live, and hope to move very soon. I'll be working on packing as I look and finish purging my things so that I don't have to take unnecessary things into my new home.

I finally finished working on my Outlander blog, with plans to do other things with it, I finally decided that I should just go for it and get it updated while the last season aired.  I will probably start doing the re-reading on the novel in the next day or so.

Since I now have my health and dental insurance, I will be able to do some things that I wasn't able to do.  When the pandemic is over, and the last of my financial issues are resolved, I will do them.  I can't wait!  I feel like an average person with these benefits right now.

In the middle of August, I will be able to add two more benefits to my life: vacation and 401k.  I am looking forward to both of these because I haven't had either in many years.  I am trying to get my future in order.  I am also hoping that once I get everything done with moving and with playing catch-up on everything, I hope to open an IRA at my bank. 

I think that as I am getting older, there are things that I want to make sure are in place for my life so that I feel more comfortable.  I had already decided when I turned fifty that I was going to make sure that my future was going to be better than it has been. I want to take vacations, have a retirement plan, have the insurances that I need to take care of myself.

Once that IRA and everything in that direction is settled, I will work on the simple things that I have neglected in the past...driver's license and a car. 

I did open a secured credit card last October as a safety measure for the future. It works like a normal credit card, but I had to put down a certain amount as a deposit, which is also the limit.  Since I got the card, I have used it a bit, but because I am looking ahead, I have tried to ignore the due date, and pay off increments or replace what I used on paydays...sometimes, even making two or three payments a month and making the monthly payments on time (this month, I will be late on my payment by a few days, but the bank said that because I made payment amounts that equal out to the minimum throughout the month, I won't pay a penalty or late fees). I have been doing really well with this card, and it comes through my bank.  

At this point, I have finally settled down financially, with the credit card, I even opened a checking account...this goes hand in hand with my savings account and a debit account that I have (this account is the main one that money flows into, and I turn around and transfer to savings and checking-the checking is for writing checks for bills, the savings is for the future, and the debit account is the budget that I am allowed to spend during the week, plus the bills that are paid online). These accounts are necessary to keep me on track for what I need to do, and what I want to do in the future.

It will all work out, I just need to make sure that I stick with my plans.

Recently, I have been wavering on my religious outlook.  It seems that I am going towards the past there as well.  It seems that I am being called back, but I am not sure yet what that means.  It may be because I had spent a year with this universal religion for a year before becoming part of its family fifteen years ago, and right before I started studying another spiritual path...I wavered on both for years then too, but something keeps trying to bring me back to the first. 

I may mention it again in the future, but for now I need to spend time thinking about what I am being called for and what I need to do with it.

I have been knitting a lot more recently.  It is an easy thing to do while watching television or listening to an audio book.  I want to do something with it.  I love the feel of yarn in my hands and the needles producing something so awesome.  I have a few projects that I am working on now that are easy to do, but I am longing to learn more stitches so that I can make more elaborate and beautiful things.

I may have mentioned this before, but I want to learn how to spin wool into yarn, and to dye yarn so that I can make projects practically from scratch.  It would be so cool to be able to say that I made that from spinning the wool into yarn to dying the yarn and then to knitting the project. Someday I may try my hand at learning how to create my own patterns...not sure that would ever happen, but it's always a possibility.  I love the yarn arts, and may get the gumption to try my hand at crocheting again in the future.  

During this time, I have also been devouring cookbooks and been obsessed with baking.  I am trying to find new recipes for the time that we are able to gather together again.  I am also going online and going gaga over pots, pans, bakeware, and other kitchen appliances.  I want to be able to contribute dishes for functions. Part of me is just plain tired of microwaving dinner or ordering Door Dash. I am also tired of eating meals out of a can or eating a sandwich. 

There is so much on my mind, and so much I want to do with my life for the rest of this year, I can only forge ahead, figure things out, plan, and make short term goals to get me through this time. Once things are figured out, learned, then set into motion, I think that I will be in a good place to set up my future after fifty. 

I want my life to be comfortable going into the next decade, and I want to start getting settled into how I want it to be.  I call it my dream life or living comfortably in the future.

Please continue to be safe!

Writing Again, Last Rites of Negative Posting and Looking Forward to the Future

I have been thinking a lot this weekend, and how I am tired of doing life the way that I have been.

Even though I am in the process of finding a new place to live, there are things that I want to do now.

I want to write and I want to empower myself or protect myself from those who are now trying to pull me down.

Writing has been calling me a lot lately, and I really do want to get back to it.  

I am also in the process of finding some good spells and empowerment exercises to do so that when I am at work, it doesn't affect me when I come home to write and live a quiet life without negativity following me in. I am hoping to find a way so that I can move into a new home without worrying about it all following me where ever I go.

It's been funny lately.  I have been able to say what needs to be said, and when I do it comes out strong, and I feel stronger about myself.

There's something in me that wants to show those Mayberry Ignorant Fools who I really am most days.  Though, throwing out my lexicon to that crew would only be a waste of my time.  Instead I will just do what I have to do and show the ones who sign my paycheck my worth since the ones who do this are only on the lower rungs of the workplace food chain.

So, after talking about that, I don't want to ever mention work or anything negative again.  I have too many good things to focus on. I will protect myself every day and wear my self pride on my shoulders as I always have, and always plan to. I will ignore the stares and backbiting of those who will be forgotten once I walk out of work every day.

Now on to other more positive things...

I already have a few poems and a story in my head that I cannot wait to flesh out and share with the world.   I want to get Dreams of the Blue Rose active once again. It will be so much fun to get back to writing again!!  I can't wait to get to it once again.

My financial situation is looking comfortable, and I will continue to make it so that I won't worry about finances as the years go by.  

Since I have been kissed by the Goddess with luck, I have been able to keep my job through this tough time, and have been able to get some things paid off or paid down so that I won't worry when I find somewhere else to live.  I may even be able to drive once again and not rely on the bus for anything,and I can walk once again for the thrill of it.

In this time of change, I know that I am using this time wisely to walk the path that I am supposed to and not see it as a bad thing, but a valuable lesson.  I know that this world is full of uncertainty and people are crazy, so I will continue to be positive and not let others affect my outlook through this.  

Knitting has actually become a happy distraction for me as well.  I haven't done much in starting new projects, but I am working on the ones that I started, and am looking at what else I can make that I can knit my own energies and love into.

I am so excited about the next stage of my life and everything that I want to accomplish!!  I hope everyone else has that same feeling, and that what is happening worldwide will change the hearts of even the most negative people in the world.

Blessed be!
Raven

I'm Back

I haven't written in a long time, mainly because life is what it is.  I kept my old job, and thankfully, it is a company that is essential, and by tomorrow afternoon, I will be one of only six people left working until this is all over with. While I am glad that I am still working, I know that management is holding on to me and the other five as long as they can.

Right now, the entire world has time to stop and regroup...to reflect and find a new direction in life.  I wonder how many people will end up following a new path.

Over the course of the last months, I have not been able to do much with changing myself or how I practice my path. Mainly because I am lazy sometimes.  I say that I will do it, but I end  up just sitting around watching Kdramas and dreading the next day when I will have to go to work and deal with people who seem nearly bipolar in the way they treat me. 

As soon as this is over with, I will be moving.  I have to find a new apartment, and this time, I am going to look for something that fits me and my needs.  I need a sanctuary away from the world that I feel comfortable in, and that isn't the place that I am living now.

I have been able to read more too, I am glad that I am because I am enriching my mind and keeping it active at the same time. I am also slowly working with what I am learning so that I can become stronger.

I have been learning to empower myself at work over the last few months too.  I don't know what is really happening, but I have been defending myself more and more with everyone, including my supervisor and her assistant.  I have also learned to say no to people too.  I am growing more with each passing month.

There has been one area that has been concerning me about myself...

For twenty one years, I have been a huge fan of Diana Gabaldon's Outlander series, and have been watching the show on Starz since it began, however I have not kept up with this season and have no real desire to for the moment.  I don't understand why I am not excited about the show or about the cast like I used to be.  I don't even blog about that very often and am behind on my Outlander blog.

I have been re-reading the books whenever I am not reading about Wicca, watching K-dramas or knitting.  I haven't even kept up with the author on her blog.

I have also lost a lot of interest in Facebook.  I am never there like I used to be. I am wondering why this has happened. It is very weird for me to not be totally into Outlander like I used to be.  I may be growing in a way that I had never expected to grow I guess.

Maybe things will change sooner or later, but right now, I am working on myself and where I need to go next in this life so that my journey is a good one and I am content with who I am and what I do in life!

Everyone stay healthy and safe!
Raven

I Am Fifty Today! Happy Birthday To Me

I have been looking forward to this birthday since I turned 25.

I am ready for the next half of my life!

I hope for peace, patience and wisdom in this half of my century!

HAPPY 50TH BIRTHDAY TO ME!! 

Changes, Health, and the Courage to Live Courageously

I am thinking about the song Cauldron of Changes a lot lately.  I feel like the song is telling me something in this time.

I know that I have been very negative in the last six months, and it comes from how I have not been able to protect myself from my coworkers and all of the psychic draining going on from all directions there.  I know that I need to find a different job, and do so quickly.  This has not been good for me at all.

At the end of May I joined a walking challenge in my area.  The goal was to log in a million steps, and the community that got the most would get a play set for their neighborhood playground.  

I have logged a LOT of steps since then, and it has encouraged me to begin working out.  I joined a gym, and will begin on Monday morning.  I am excited about this, and I am looking forward to seeing the results of the hard work I plan to put in.

I have changed many of my eating habits over the last two months as well. I have had trouble sleeping, and waking every day, and I often get sick or have no energy.  I know these are part of aging and lack of good eating habit.

I cut back on meat to the bare minimum, cut back the caffeine and sugar, and drink more water.  I am feeling better, and I am thinking that adding more greens, fruits and vegetable is next on the list.

I also feel the past calling to me. I often feel like I shouldn't be here in this place and area.

I do miss my hometown, but sometimes I feel like I am missing somewhere else, more than one place...I can't help this feeling, but I don't want to do past life regression, I don't know why. I do wonder, but I am not going to go backwards when I know that the circle of life will only bring me around to where I need to be, and to learn what I need to learn.

I have a feeling that part of the lessons that I must learn in this lifetime are patience, courage, and learning to be who I am without reservations.  

I think my failures and restlessness come from these lessons.  

Patience seems to be the only one that has started to take root in my life.  I am less able to get frustrated by anything that doesn't happen right away. Time is showing me that the Goddess is helping me bring my world to where it needs to be.

I have problems with courage. I can't seem to stand up for myself most days.  I waffle on what I want, and try to do what others want.  I fear talking about my path with my family because I fear what they will say or think of me, so I often hide it.  I know that they will love me no matter what, but I fear their words and thoughts about me, my stepmother is a prime example, next to my father.

I am constantly explaining myself to others in all of my actions everywhere.  I always feel like I get taken advantage because of my lack of courage to say no or say what is truly in my mind. I need to overcome this and work on who I am supposed to be.

July is becoming a month for change for me, I am finding a new job, working on myself, and learning to be courageous.

Blessed be

Raven Pegasus