Rest In Love, Loretta Lynn

Loretta Lynn has passed away. 

For me, she was a link to my grandma.

I will miss her very much.

Rest in love, Beautiful!

-Raven

It's Fall Again!

We are heading into the holiday  season.  First Halloween, then Thanksgiving, Christmas and the beginning of the new year.

I always look forward to this time of year, I love how we can spend time with family and friends while the world outside gets colder and the days get shorter.

Recently, I have been slacking on the things that I needed to do, so I have been working a bit on correcting the situation.  I usually like to get my home clean for the colder months so that I don't have to worry about much...and I do feel better when I have a clean home.

I have also resolved to finish reading Diana Gabaldon's latest book, Go Tell The Bees That I Am Gone.  I am half way finished so it should not be to long before I can blog about it on my Outlander blog.

I now have season 6 of Outlander that I will watch very soon.  I am planning on having an Outlander weekend soon.

I am also planning a Jane Austen re-read on all of her novels and watching the adaptations of the shows as well very soon.  I love Jane and I want to  go back into that world.

I am also preparing myself to go back to work.  I think that I will go back after the New Year.  If I do this, I want to make sure that my home and routines are set in stone and that I am prepared for it.  I will feel better going back when everything is set the way it should be and I have everything down pat before I rejoin the work force.

I am also working through this nostalgia phase of my life.  I don't know why, but I still feel like I want to go back in time where I was not living alone, had shows I loved to watch, read all the time, and worked in my hometown.  

Since the end of July, I have been using my planner almost every day, it has helped me with my routines because I actually write out my routines in the To-Do portion of the planner.  I still need to start getting up at a regular time and going to bed at a regular time, but I am going to start working on that sometime soon.  

I need to set up a rules list for my home and myself so that I can live better and keep the routines and the chores going every day.  I live a bit in chaos right now, and that will need to stop before I go back to work as well.

I am looking forward to the holidays this year.  I love them so much.  It is more about family and being happy than it is about the things we receive from it all.  I can't wait for it all.  

This Christmas, I am planning to decorate.  I didn't last year because I was recovering from the cancer and didn't have much energy to do much.  This year, I am feeling very good, and am ready for celebration.

I am also looking forward to baking and helping everyone with food for the holidays.  I never got to help them with the dinner and dishes before, and I am not sure why I didn't help.  I think some of the reason was because we never thought about it before.  I have some cool pans and things that I can use, and they hardly every get used because I haven't had the chance to use them before.  I want to be a part of that, and do some cool stuff for everyone too.

I am working on my home so that my mother and aunt can come over and watch a movie that we are all looking forward to seeing.  I want the place to sparkle and gleam for them, and it will be an incentive for having them over more often. I like having family over.

I love fall, and I can't wait for Samhain and Yule too.  I am going to start working on them very soon because this is a great time of year for Wiccans, Pagans and Witches.  These celebrations will become part of my traditions too.  I am excited.

My last Petscan showed that I am still cancer free, but lit something up in my colon.  A colonoscopy showed that I had a  huge polyp and the doctor removed it and it was clear of anything.  I need to go back in six months for another colonoscopy in six months just to make sure that everything is alright now.  I go back to my oncologist in December.

I think that I have to keep going to the oncologist for another year of surveillance just to make sure that I am going to stay clear of the cancer.

My hair has been growing back, but it seems to be coming in slowly.  It hasn't even hit my shoulders yet.  At first, it came in white and gray, now it is coming back in as my natural hair color.  I am glad about that.

I have gained a lot of weight. I am now thirty pounds heavier than I was when I started chemotherapy.  I am at one hundred fifty now, and it is bothering me a lot.  I think that it is my metabolism after the hysterectomy, and sitting around most days just watching television and not getting up to do anything.  I only eat one meal a day and a snack later on, so I am a bit uptight about this.  

This season will be awesome, and I cannot wait to see what is in store for the last three months of this year!

-Raven

London Bridge Is Down and Life These Days

There is a certain sadness that has been blanketing the world since yesterday morning.

After 96 years of life and 70 years, 214 days Queen Elizabeth Alexandra Mary, Queen of Great Britain and the Commonwealth has died.

Even though she was a queen to the UK, the rest of the world loved her.  We shared her sorrows and her joys, her upsets and her bad times as she shared ours all over the world.

She rallied her nation in times of trouble and strife even before becoming queen. She shared their burdens from World War II on.

I loved her because she was a piece of a country that I love, a couple of my favorite authors were born and died there....many of my favorite music artists are British.  I love British stories, and I love watching the monarchy and British television programs as much as I love Korean dramas.

I think that it is awesome that her reign outlived her great great grandmother, Queen Victoria AND it outlasted the reigns of her male predecessors.  She was a modern woman of her time like Queen Victoria and helped ease the citizen through the changing times.  

She sacrificed a lot for her country, at times she couldn't spend as much time with her children as I am sure she wanted to, but she made up for it as they got older.  

She was a present grandmother when her grandsons needed her.  During the loss of Diana, she chose to be there for her grandsons even though the nation was criticizing her for her slow response to the death of Diana.  She was following protocol.

I will be honest, I thought that she was purposely outliving her son because of how he had behaved throughout most of his life.  King Charles III was never one of my favorites in the family, but in recent years he has been proving himself to being the kind of person to represent the United Kingdom and the Commonwealth as Head of State.  His reign won't be very long, but I am sure that in his time, he will do a good job.  Still not a fan of the Queen Consort but that is alright.

Rest In Love, Your Highness and God save the King!!

Since the end of July, I have been taking myself into control. I began by re-starting my beauty routine and taking vitamins.  I felt that it was time for me to be proactive in my life so that I would feel better and be ready to return to work.

My latest Petscan showed that I am still basically cancer free but there was a few places between my colon and intestines that lit up and my doctor wants me to have a colonoscopy so that we can clear up the issue fast, but he doesn't think that this is cancer, which is good.

I have been trying to get more exercise and improving my stamina so that I can go back to work.

The only concern that I have is that I have gained thirty pounds and I now weigh more than I ever have in my life.  I don't like this and in research, found that I am now over weight, even though you can barely tell because it is distributed throughout my body.  I don't like this at all so I am trying to lose it in a healthy and positive way.

I have been so bored with everything in the last few months.  I am so ready to go out and start working again.  

I get lazy too.  I haven't even finished Diana Gabaldon's latest novel for some reason.  It has been out since last November.   I know that part of me wants to take it slow and savor it because Herself likes to take her time writing and makes sure that the novels are at their best, but this other little part of me doesn't want to read for some reason.  I will read in spurts sometimes. I don't know why I am like this.

This also happens when I try to knit.  I will knit for a while but then put it down and not do anythng with it for a week or so.  I quit in the middle of some of my projects too.

I don't like to watch a lot of television lately either.  I spend a lot of time watching Korean dramas though.  I need to figure out what is wrong with me these days and fix them.

Raven

Fall Is Coming!!

Fall is coming, and I cannot wait!  It is my favorite time of year.

While everyone is going crazy for the pumpkin everything, I am looking forward to the changing colors...

Between Mabon and Samhain, I can't wait for the oranges and browns that will saturate the earth for us as we prepare to move our lives inside.

I am looking forward to the cooling air and the scents that fall provides for us.

It's a time to fill our cupboards and closets for those cold months of winter.  To make sure that we have everything we need to maintain ourselves when we cannot.

I am stocking up my fall/winter reading, favorite foods and the things I need for my magickal practice.  I also have my fiction section stocked up too.

I have gone back to using a planner, and I think that I will start doing more with it so that I can write in my journal and in Outlander Musings more.  i should block time out for those activities.

I noticed that I have kept this blog for fifteen years come October.  That is exciting and I hope that I can continue The Blue Rose Journal on for a very long time. I just need to write again.

As the nostalgia bloomed in me, I went on Kindle and bought most of the books that I had once read and reviewed here.  I thought that it would be great to read those books once again and go back here and read my reviews on those books.

I was reading through here and missed those book reviews that I once did here.  I thought that it would be nice if I can do that again...and this time, include the books I read on my spiritual path.  That may go a long way towards keeping this blog active and help me remember to write more often...of course, it will give me more to do than just going for walks and sitting around watching movies all day.

It is now time for me to reactivate myself and get back to doing the things that I love so much!

Blessed be!

Raven

Life Is Getting There

It has been a very good month so far.

I have been doing most of the routines and taking the vitamins like I used to, and I am feeling a lot better.

I have been walking a lot more these days, connecting with nature and getting my spiritual groove back.  I think that things will be better once I am 100% back to my normal self.

Recently, I have been itching to recreate my alter.  I have been getting everything that I will need to set up.  I have a lot of stuff for my alter, but I just wanted a few little things that will enhance my spiritual power.

I am buying more books for my path as well so that I can enhance my growth as a Wiccan and strengthen my knowledge.  

Saturday, I am getting a huge witchy haul and I am so excited for the items to come in.  I have some crystals, books and other things that I fell in love with.  I can't wait to get them.

 Tomorrow, I will be getting some of the things that I ordered and I cannot wait to see them.

At this point, I am starting to feel better with myself and my life.  I am getting along with my family, I have found an old friend, and I am going back on my path.  

I am looking forward to Mabon this year.  I didn't celebrate Lamas, so Mabon will be my first celebration coming back in.  I am excited.

Everything seems to be getting better!

-Raven

Old Things, Renewing Old Routines and Religion Issues

For over a week now, I have been going back to old things.

First, I talked to a friend about the death of another and writing about it on my other blog.  I spent time thinking about that friend and the things that happened when I was young.

Then I bought the music of the band that we used to listen to and reflecting on that time.  It felt like the things that I had worked through and put into my memory hall just spilled out into now.  

I wasn't angry over this since I think that our friend needed to hear what I had to say to heal and I had to just spend time with this old friend after all, I am comfortable with the past, but I think this friend hasn't been and I feel guilty for not talking to her about this from the beginning.

Next, I restarted my old routines and started working on getting my life back to where it should be.  This is a good thing because I will have to go back to work sooner or later.

Then, I went to my poetry blog and re-read my old poems, remembering things that happened in the last fifteen years after that time.  I don't know why I did that, it just felt natural.

I am not sure why I am going back to the past now since I like moving forward, but it felt good to spend time with the ones who have gone before me.

I think that a new era is coming with this friend that I haven't seen in thirty years.  I don't mind it really, but I do hope that we can find a new way to be friends without the one who died. Don't get me wrong, I love this woman very much, but I don't want to wallow in the past if we hang out together in the future.

It's been a weird week of change and going backward too, I am not sure that I will go backwards again because I know that I love living now and I know that my heart isn't back there where there was a lot of pain and anger.  I like living happy now.

I think that this is the reason why I am having trouble getting to sleep this week.  I hate that I can lay down, thinking that I will sleep then my mind keeps racing to the point that sleep seems impossible.  One night, I lay down around 10 p.m. and didn't get to sleep until 3 a.m.  It was annoying since I did take melatonin to fall asleep.  One night, I woke up in the middle of the night and it took more than an hour to get back to sleep.

It's harder because I am trying to establish a sleep pattern so that I won't have problems when I do go back to work.  I want to slip into the routine when the time comes.  

I have been working on relieving my boredom by getting outside more and doing more housework this week, I am hoping that by doing this it will help me get into the habit of doing it.  I am like a lot of people, I really hate housework, and I do very little of it, but that needs to change.

Doing my old facial regime has been fun though...I can feel and see a difference in my skin. I love it!  I miss the days when I did it twice a day and I felt powerful.  I am starting to get that feeling back and it's a great thing.

I need to start eating three meals a day instead of just one and a snack cake or chips all day.  I started taking vitamins again, so I should at least start eating too.  My weight is higher than it has ever been, but I am not upset about it since I do feel good.

It's been over a year since my bladder surgery so my body has healed from that, and it's been nine months since my last round of chemotherapy so I am feeling good, I just need to keep my energy levels up and start doing more in the way of exercise.

I think that I need to move past this thing where I have been going backwards into a pas that really doesn't help me feel good about myself.  Right now, I am saturating myself with KPop and trying to bring myself back to myself.

I am also working through my feelings about my spirituality.  I am not very comfortable with the path that I am on and I want to go back to where I was with religion, but Christianity isn't very satisfying to me like Wicca was.  I feel like I want to walk the Goddess path more than follow Christianity.

These feelings on religion are probably part of why I am a little irritated about the walk I have been taking down memory lane and why I am not doing the things that I should for Christianity.  It's probably part of why I can't sleep at night.

This may also explain why I keep buying things related to Wicca.  The calling might be getting louder instead of weaker.  

I will think about this a little longer, and may celebrate Midsummer just to see if this is what is happening to me.

I should start reading and doing more writing too, I want to be myself again, but lately, I don't feel like I am trying to and that bothers me too.

-Raven 

I Am So Lazy

I have been a bit quiet lately because I don't have any energy and I am really bored. Nothing ever happens when you are not working due to medical reasons.

It's been a year since my bladder was removed and everything is going well so far.  

Since I haven't been at work, days just jumble together for me and I forget what day it is.  Most days, I just sit in front of the tv watching a lot of nonsense and waiting for the sun to go down so that I can get to tomorrow.  

I haven't finished reading Diana Gabaldon's latest release, and it came out at the end of November.  I would usually have it read in a month or so.  I am a very bad Gabaldon fan.

I feel like I can't get the energy I need to be myself anymore.  I know that some of this may be slight depression, but that confuses me since I don't have anything to be depressed about.

I rarely watch the news or try to see what depressing things happen so that isn't why I am like this.

It may be a general sense of boredom with myself these days.

I can give myself the pep talk and try to give myself a sense of gusto, but that requires the energy that I am not feeling these days.

I wonder if my problems stem from inactivity and not eating more than one meal a day. 

I have this strong feeling of nostalgia recently.  For some reason, I want to go back to the way things were when I lived at home.  I want to spend more time with my family and have holidays again.

This year has been very odd for holidays in my family.  First with Dad and my stepmom getting sick, and my mother forgetting holidays, it's getting hard to get into the spirit of things anymore.

I don't even want to go out for a walk or sit in the park anymore, and that is very strange for me since I have to walk everywhere and I love the park.

I need to exercise so that I can go back to work and not get tired before I can get an actual break, but I don't want to go out and do it.

Even housework, a chore I hate but do anyway, is getting put off and the messes are getting out of control.

I will eventually figure this out, but it is driving me crazy.