Cancer, Chemo and Coming Back

The last month has gone pretty well. I have two more chemotherapy sessions to go before this is over, and I go next week for the fifth of six.

Time seems to be flying. Mabon has come and gone.  I didn't celebrate because of my health.  I know that while I am feeling well through all of this, I can do ritual and other things, but it snuck up on me with everything else that I have been going through. 

Samhain is approaching, and when it does, I will have ended the chemotherapy and I am thinking about how to go about it, I think that I already know what I want to accomplish, it will just be a matter of getting everything together and doing a bit of research on  it.

This is my favorite time of the year, I love the change to cool and the ongoing changes that Mother Nature is enduring for the sake of rebirth.  It will forever me my favorite, next to spring. 

In recent weeks, I have been doing some re-reading on Wicca and going back again to basics because I want to remember where I came from and learn about what I want to accomplish next.  I think that the cancer has given me a need to come full circle on my life. 

I cannot wait for this year and the things that I am going through are over with so that I can move forward and live better and stronger. I won't say what I want to do because I usually have a problem with follow through once I do say it, but I will keep it in until the time comes to commit to it in the future.

It is amazing that during the chemotherapy I have not gotten sick (thanks to the medicine that they give me before treatments), and I have not lost all of my hair yet. I am always expecting things to get worse or to loose all of my hair with each treatment, so that I am not upset when it will happen. I just go with the flow, leaving my expectations low every twenty one days. Right now, I look like the Crypt Keeper if he had more hair, but that is alright and it is kind of funny.

I am keeping positive through all of this to help the process of healing. That is good for me and for all of the people who are helping me get through this. 

Blessed be!

 

I'm Back

I have not been able to be here recently. In June, I had major surgery because I have bladder cancer.

 My bladder was removed, but there is still some left in two lymph nodes. After all that, I have been getting chemotherapy and doing radiation. Not fun, but it will save my life in the end.

So far, I have had two treatments of chemotherapy and a week and a half of a three week radiation session. I have to do the radiation twice a day for about fifteen minutes at a time. 

So far, my hair has thinned out a great deal from the chemotherapy, but it is still trying to hang in there. I am waiting for it to completely fall out.  I wear a hat right now, and have a wig for when the time comes. In a way, this is kind of funny, but still, my hair will grow back and I will be normal again in the future.

When I first found out that I had the cancer in January, I was afraid at first, but right now, none of this is scary to me.  My mom says that she's amazed that I am taking this in stride, but in reality, I am just doing what I have to do, and I have a great big god with me who knows how this will come out. He isn't ready for me yet, and I am not ready to be with Him yet. 

My family has been a huge help to me during this.  They are helping me take care of my doctors visits, treatments and financially.  I am blessed to have them with me. They are a great help, and I know that they are doing all of this with great love for me.

Since June, I haven't been able to work so money has been tight. It scares me since the hospital bills are piling up and I am not sure if I will ever be able to pay them.  I am hoping that I will be able to work when this is finally over.  I can't stay home and wait for a government check to pay for me. I like to feel like I am accomplishing things on my own and supporting myself.

I can't wait for this to be over with and I can get back to living my life as I am supposed to live it.  I know that this will be over with soon.

The last two years have been hard for me, and for everyone in the world.  

Blessed Be

[EN/JP] [7회] ♬ 물감놀이 - 메이플라이(민혁, 방찬, 창빈, 한, 홍중)ㅣ3차 경연 1R#KINGDOM EP.7 | M...

Awesome work from Mayfly!!

[EN/JP] [8회] ♬ Love poem - 메이플라이(보컬 유닛 은광, 승민, 종호)ㅣ3차 경연 1R#KINGDOM EP....

I am so in love with this!!

Great job, Stray Kids, Ateez and BtoB!!

Update 4/2021

It has been a while. Things seem to be getting better and a bit off as well.

I will be moving into my new home this weekend if all goes as it should. I've been staying with family since the end of October and they are driving me nuts-my father is any way. 

I don't understand where he is coming from most weeks since he can barely hear, forgets a lot of what is said to him, and he sleeps a lot. He's very self absorbed as well. 

I try to be patient, knowing that he is almost eighty years old and is close to the end of his life. He means well, and he loves me as I love him, but we are better off not living in the same place.

I've missed my privacy and personal space...I miss doing my thing without feeling like I'm a third wheel to their life. I prefer living aline anyway.

I also have a couple of cancer tumors in my bladder and said bladder will need to be removed very soon. I'm not worried or scared. I know that this is to save my life, so it's alright. It'll be inconvenient in the beginning but it will get better with time. Many live with what I will live with and have improved their quality of life. If they can do it, so can I.

I'm preparing for the time that I will have to go in for my surgery. After I move, I'll have one or two things left to accomplish and I'm ready...both things will be done within the next few weeks.

In a way, I'm ready to get this health situation over with, I'm tired of hurting and am ready for a little time off to relax and re-evaluate my life until now...I will take that time to reflect on who I am and how I want to spend the rest of my life once I'm on the right road.

I'm more excited to move and have a nice new home with my own things around me. I'm looking forward to living a good life, however that may be.

-Karol

Happy Birthday!!

 So, last year was bad.  So much sickness and sorrow!

I pray that this year is better and everyone is healthy!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!

Signs InThe Middle Of Confusion

It's been a while since I posted. A lot has been happening recently.

First of all, in the plan to move I put all pf my eggs in one basket. I had a mew place lined up, but unfortunately it won't be ready until November, so I am staying with my Dad and stepmom for a few weeks. I'll pay them room and board as well as help them with the things that they can no longer do. 

This isn't a problem because I love both of them very much, and sitting in their back yard in the early morning and in the evenings is a witch's dream come true. 

For a little while, I have wavered on my path. For some reason I wasn't feeling the call of Wicca, so I was going back into Christianity. It doesn't always feel right, but I had the thought that it was where I should go.

Yesterday while in my hometown ( where the coolest new age shop is) with my dad and stepmom at the American Legion supporting an event, we sat down at one of the wooden tables to eat. I don't know what made me look down, but when I did, I saw a pentagram carved into the wood. 

I was mesmerized! Here I was surrounded by the images that always makes me turn back to the path-the river where I would meditate and  commune with nature and in fromt of me and my family was the SYMBOL of the path I have been working on. I couldn't take my eyes off of it.

Christians would say that this was put there to test me, but I know that this was actually a reminder of who and what I am supposed to be. I know that the universe is telling me that the reasons I hesitate with beong Catholic is because I am a witch in my heart and soul. I cannot deny who I am.

I somehow ended up with the Rune of wisdom in my pocket this past Friday before I began hauling things into my storage unit. It is a clear sign of what the final months of this year should be for me.

Blessed be!

Raven